Friday, March 8, 2013

Pope This Space for Rent

Headline from the NY Times article today: "Pope Wanted. Must Possess Magnetic Charm. And Grit."  Am I a shoo-in, or what?

Actually, I suppose I need to start paying more attention to this whole getting-elected-pope business, but I just got distracted by porn.

Still, I'm back on it, trust me.  I hear the cardinals are mostly in place, probably comparing shoes and playing Who's Got the Cutest Prelate.

Once I'm in, I'll need to come up with a pope name, cause even though I think "Pope peenee" has a certain spunky charm, I know tradition demands that the new pope select a papal name.  Plenty of them have gone with Gregory, a name I'm sort of luke warm to.  There was a fifth century pope called Pope Zosimus, and isn't that the coolest papal name ever?  And Google adds, quite casually, that he might have been jewish which almost sells me on it, but not quite.

I prefer the popes that went with names that played up some personal trait, thus all those Piuses and Innocents and Clements.  While I think that may be a little too obvious ("Look at me!  I'm all pious and stuff!") I'm sort of leaning towards either Pope Lucky or Pope Sassy.  Certain of our dedicants would be allowed to address us as "Pope SassyPants."
I spent way too long trying to Google the translation of SassyPants into Italian.  I suppose I'll just have to stick to sign language.
Also, though, I have to consider selling naming rights.  If any more of those grabby priests get sued, there isn't going to be enough bingo games in the world to keep my holiness in red Prada pumps. So something like "Pope General Electric: Imagination at Work" or "Pope Staples: That Was Easy." The First.  For an extra consideration I would have their logo embroidered on my chasuble.  But not my good one, just the everyday one.


  1. I'm all for your choice of "Pope SassyPants" but the FULL form of your name would be "Pope Sassy McPartyPants."

  2. Good ideas,
    Especially the corporate sponsor thing. How about mixing it up with the classics?

    Pope Hilarius Peter Boneinface Exxon

  3. Pope Mary Imaculata...
    Pope Fistus the firsy...

  4. Pope Everhardus Ignatious le Peenee

  5. why don't they just admit that the next
    pope will have charisma, uniqueness,
    nerve and talent.

  6. In honor of your Gulf Coast past I suggest, "Pope Solondra, Shameeka, Seracia, Shaneeida, Shagumbo, Shanks."

    But the public will refer to you affectionately as "Pope Minny Pearl" for short.

  7. Pope Prunella Eggs Benidict I or "Legs up Lucy" in private circles. If you want to impove the catholic church image you should let Princess re-design the nuns habits by raising their hems one foot above the knee and never let them wear anything lower than a four inch heel and I'd have them all birched for wearing flatties, but then again the catholics like a bit of flagellation, don't they? I've been to St Peter's Square and I think St Mitzi's Square sounds much better, something to think about when you become Pontiff. John Paul II had such a kind looking face and was humble enough to kiss the tarmac wherever his private jet touched down in a foreign country, instead of kissing the tarmac, you could hitch your skirts up, squat down and have a big shit in the glare of the world's media, that'll be lovely.

  8. I have nothing to add. Everyone else is too good.

  9. kabuki suggests Pope Perilous, because kabuki pitys the fool that crosses you.

  10. Pope Fellatio the First.

    1. I can smell the white smoke already! And I vote for anonymous here's"pope fellatio"

  11. Oh, Peenee! You and your minions are so funny! I miss living in San Francisco...I haven't found anyone witty here! Thank God for you and your'n. Mo in KCMO

  12. We we damn well sure know that it won't be Pope Innocent. But I have a great fondness for Betty, Pope Betty.

  13. kabuki wants to borrow the red shoes. kabuki has an event

  14. Oh honey, I'm SO sorry you didn't get elected. I was really looking forward to an Italian vacation.


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