Monday, June 3, 2013

Do You Smell That?

So I recently beat out this guy for a seat on the bench at Peet's cafe, cause I am super spry, and he sort of glared at me, but get real, I grew up with two mean older brothers.  You think your beetling eyebrows are going to deter me?  Huh.   But then he got the last laugh when he plopped down next to me to chat with some loser on the other end of the seat and a wave of his stinky old man smell washed over the whole place.  Is that what I needed to go with my cream cheese and blueberry danish?  I think not.  So very not.

And then this evening at the Kabuki Spa, where I was on the receiving end of one of the great massages of our time, the locker room was ripe with Eau de Old Guy.  You know what I mean; it is the aural equivalent of the wrinkledy specimens so unfortunately on view over at Infomaniac

What is with that?  Why is there a specific stench tied to how old you are?  A quick Google search reveals there is, naturalment, a Japanese study that reveals it is a real thing (duh) tied to the breakdown in fatty acids among seniors.  And while we're at it, have you ever noticed any bizarre question leads to a Japanese study?  Other research has topics like Political Subdivisions in 18th Century Bohemian Nationalism.   Japan's got Why Do Old People Smell Like That?

This is not idle curiosity on my part.  Not only do I have exquisitely delicate sensibilities, I am an Old Guy.  Worse I am a fair skinned Old Guy and somehow my peeps and I are the ones who seem particularly fragrant.  More Google searching turns up the assurance that this stinkiness seems to be tied to evolution cruelly insuring that nubile youth do not inadvertently mate with monkeys too old to provide for the offspring.   "Yes, I would let you mount me if you did not smell of impending death."  Ouch.  Harsh, evolution, harsh.

And so I wash and scrub (with Dove soap.  If I cannot smell like a young buck, at least I can smell like a Lady) and I have made Secret Agent Fred promise to soak me in a tub of lavender fragrance, Clorox and turpentine if I ever to start to turn into a stinky old man.  Still, I brood.

On a related note, circling back to the Kabuki Spa, let me just say that I am opposed to the death penalty, but only conditionally.  I firmly believe anyone who farts in a steam room deserves the chair, cause really?  Perhaps you are not familiar with the engineering of steam rooms, but believe me, fresh air circulation is not way up on the list.

But to prove I am not just cranky, here:

Almost certainly not weighed down by Stinky Old Man Smell.


14 comments:

  1. Oh, I'm not quite so sure he's not well impregnated with old man smell . Boy has rent to pay I'm sure, right?

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  2. Do stinky old Japanese men smell different to stinky old men in California, I wonder? Jx

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    Replies
    1. If my experience in the late '80s is still any guide, they exude a very specific scent composed mostly of scotch and cigarettes. If that sounds even vaguely alluring, think again.

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    2. I'm going to stick with my own gene pool because we are quite odiferous enough on our own and, again, it's a very distinctive stink, sort of Northern European funk, which also sounds like a disco style, but isn't. I don't think.

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  3. But old men are greatful... Believe me... I'm the lived experience...

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    Replies
    1. Overcoming evolution is something to celebrate.

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  4. just yesterday, while rummaging in some retail dump, a few creatures plodded by me leaving in their wake the delightful aromatics that screamed, "We haven't bathed in days!"

    in a normal speaking voice,
    i said, "thank you for that!"

    *****the new & improved scout's honor***

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    Replies
    1. When something like that happens, I try to keep an eye on them so that I won't inadvertently buy something they've tainted.

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  5. I was speaking to a gentleman of a certain age in Twin Peaks Tavern last year. I had enjoyed a few bourbon-and-gingers, and he was lamenting the lack of interest from young men. Once ascertaining that he'd not had luck in the traditional online specialist venues, I did suggest that he get his hygiene act together. He wondered what I was on about. I helpfully suggested that 'hair, nails, body, clothes. These are things that are washed daily.'
    6 months later, he was as ripe as before, but was presumably less perplexed.
    I have smelled Mr. Peenee. He is fragrant. This and the old man smell fate do not await him.

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  6. Replies
    1. MJ should talk. We all know your site is the go-to for Stinky Old Guy porn. I hope you're proud of yourself

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