There are days when waking up takes all the energy I have. I lie there, nothing more than a lump in bed, and try to bargain with my bladder. "Look just let me go back to sleep and I will piss as much as you want in a couple of hours." That works just about as well as you might expect.
Turning into an old man was never part of my plan. I had somehow envisioned being 40 years old for several decades and then peacefully dying in the arms of a muscly Go-Go boy. I don't know how that scheme went awry, but here we are, Grouchy and Creaky, the two dwarves who didn't want to put up with Snow White's bullshit.
On those ill-advised occasions when I do get out of bed, I am an absolute symphony of small explosions. It's one thing to have my joints sing out, but I swear even bones that don't move get in on the racket. Just walking across the room sounds like a bucket of kindling meeting a bulldozer. I have occasionally yawned and my jawbone makes such a loud crack it makes my ears ring. Why is my own skeleton turning against me? Why?
I hung out with a dear old friend recently who is the same age as I but in much much better shape. Bitch. I was telling her about my plans to go to London and Paris this spring and she was trying to convince me not to take a cab from the airport in Paris. Instead, her bright idea was that I should take the train into town, transfer to the Metro to some station in the vicinity of the hotel and then walk. Walk. I explained that even after a good night's sleep in my own bed and unencumbered with luggage, I can barely make it a block up the street here to go drink coffee at my favorite cafe. I could tell she thought I was exaggerating, but people have thought that about me most of my life and I have refined the ability to ignore them into an art. We will be taking a cab.
Guys who are most certainly not old. Yet.
That blond jock on the bed looks like he’s ready to be mounted by Mr Belucci for an F ticket ride !…:)
ReplyDeleteI would pay good money to watch that.
DeleteWhile I would love to stay and sympathise about your joint pain and skeletal disharmony, I suddenly have an emergency drywall installation session to attend.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Yes. Definitely take the cab!
Let us know how the drywall mud goes.
DeleteEverywhere. That mud went everywhere!
DeleteI have two urinals hanging on a commode next to my bed to be able to stand up pee then collapse back into bed. Thus avoiding a trip to the bathroom which during the night seems to get further away.
ReplyDeleteThere is also a glass of water next to the bed to take diazepam in the night if I feel like.
I am actually having a “good” day so far today. I don’t hurt too much.
When they wrote "What a drag it is getting old," Mick and Keith didn't know how right they were! There have been many times I've thought the neighbor kid was playing with a cap gun then realized it was really one of my joints!
ReplyDeleteI'll take the closet organizer that isn't covered in cheap, wood-grain laminate.
Anonymous, too
It comes to us all, dear. Every morning I wake too early (thank you, bastard bladder!) and go back to bed for another sleep before the alarm goes off, then get up properly - all the time wondering "which bit of my body is going to ache the most today?" Jx
ReplyDeletePS Closet boy for me, too, please. He'd help rub the pains away...
Remember, always clean off your drywall tools before putting them away.
ReplyDeleteWill Jay
And this, m'dear is why I am your traveling companion.
ReplyDelete