Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Phthalate Free: The Love that Dare Speak Its Own Name


I’m shopping for sex toys at Good Vibrations’ website even though the store is only like ten minutes from my tastefully appointed home, and next door to my favorite thrift store, to boot. http://www.goodvibes.com/index.aspx It’s not that I’m embarrassed, or too much of a lady, I’m simply too lazy, so it’s up on the web we go.

Naturally, they’re out of stock of everything I consider. All I want is an artificial butthole, which they more euphemistically call a “sleeve,” but the only thing close in stock is a fake vagina. Can I hear all the gay men reading this join me in squealing EEEEWWWWW. I don’t want to see the real thing, why would I buy one in silicone?

Speaking of which, the main thing I adore about Good Vibes is their earnest and sane attitude, which is reflected in their clearly worded descriptions of the material the goods are made from. You want a comparison of silicon versus elastomer? Step right up. Looking for a discussion on the need for Phthalate Free dildos? This is the place. Part of these little chats is their very firm insistence to keep your toys clean. No wiping them off with the cleaner side of your cum rags, here, no way. One of the selling points of the really expensive sleeves is that you can boil them. Dr. Kildare, quick, sterilize this before you put it in there.

Other things I like about them:
>Margaret Cho is a board member. Who doesn’t love M. Cho, Butterfly? Well, you don’t count.
>They have product reviews that veer between dead serious and hilarious.
>Their cleanliness and attitude are diametrically opposed to the dirty bookstores on Folsom Street. Not that I don’t love them, too, but it’s nice to have a choice.
>Like I said, it’s next door to Community Thrift on Valencia, so you can pick up some nice tit clamps and then go look for one of them deviled egg plates.

And, no, I am NOT interested in a dildo, thank you very much. I happen to not enjoy being penetrated. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’ve heard all that internalized homophobia stuff already, and I’m not buying it. I am plenty glad the rest of you find it so appealing, plenty glad, and I’m happy to help on the other end, so to speak, but I don’t like it, so get off my back. Literally. Just go fuck yourself.

Oh right, that brings us back to dildos.

I gotta go

5 comments:

  1. Quite a mental picture:

    up at the stove, apron on,
    boiling up a big pot of sleeves.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You could be putting up fig perserves while you were at it. Just don't get the pots confused.

    ReplyDelete
  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  4. "what's that smell, honey?"
    "oh just cooking up something tasty for later, darling..."

    *stir sleeves-en-pot.*

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sounds better than Hamburger Helper.

    ReplyDelete

In Which We Are Becatted

  Everybody say hello to our new cat, Octavia. I know this is not a very good picture, but it's the only one I have because immediately ...