In Which Credit Is Taken

Financial advice from mrpeenee

So every year or two, some evil little troll manages to get their grubby paws on my credit card number.  They then go on some low-level spree buying all kind of odd crap.  The first time this happened, they bought antique dolls and a topaz bracelet.  Mostly I was offended at the idea of brown jewelry being attached to my credit.  

Usually when this happens, my credit card company will contact me about some particularly suspect purchase (I should note, I legitimately make plenty of suspect purchases so good for them for parsing out the criminal ones.)  After I testify that I have never heard of the criminous business involved nor did I make that charge, the credit card guys cancel my card and I get to climb back up on the thrilling roller coaster of dealing with all my many recurring fees and charges tied to that now defunct card.

Do I need to explain why I'm bringing up this cycle of crime and punishment?  Yes, yes, I have once again been the victim of identity theft.  I got a text yesterday that innocuously asked if I had actually charged 30 something dollars for some company called wiworwe.me (who, in case you bump into them, you should be aware they are MOTHERFUCKING THIEVES, WORTHLESS SCAMMERS, and SHITTY GRIFTERS WHO SHOULD BE TRAPPED IN A CALL CENTER IN HELL.)  When I saw the text, I had some vague sense of unease, but I was sort of distracted and I just replied "nope."

The card company, god love them, I guess, immediately sprang into action and texted back to say they had canceled my card. Boom.  That's when I remembered that is exactly the result that happens when you admit that you don't recognize a charge.

I wish I'd had the sense to simply ignore the whole thing and written off the $30 as just some kind of fee the universe charges me.  Happy to pay that much to avoid dealing with updating all the many, many accounts I have tied to my now defunct card.  My rent, which I pay with the card, is coming up on Tuesday so I had to hotfoot it over to my landlord's website and change my account to some temporary cash source, my phone bill came through pretty much at the exact same time the credit card was dying so I had to fix that, and, for that matter, I couldn't even charge coffee at Peet's, the world's finest cafe. Life is just hard without a credit card.  I don't know how the Amish get along. 

There is a bright side to this.  I know from past experiences this is simply a brutally efficient way of cleaning up my finances by scraping off all the little fees and subscriptions and accounts that I have accumulated but don't really use or need.  I thought about that as I was dealing with the lady at the credit card company as she was going through a list of pending or possible charges.  I kept waiting for some luridly unlikely porn bill to pop up, but somehow we missed all that.  She instead focused on my $2 expenditure on Google for some word game I play.  Coincidentally, I had that same evening charged a really expensive flight to Houston for next September and she never even brought that up, but $2 for Google?  She was on that motherfucker.

Naked guys I wish I could charge: 

Why aren't luscious rentboys like this ever involved with my charges?

I would absolutely open a new credit card expressly for something this good.

Pussy like this wants my credit info?  I will type it out for him.

He wants to know my mother's maiden name and what street I grew up on?  Okey dokey.

He probably just needs a new pair of roller blades.

Instead, I get some chiselers who probably don't even have a tanline.

I hope their time in hell gives them a sunburn.  Inside their butthole.

Denton Baxter, who I've always thought was cute in a goony way.