In Which We Cannot Keep a Secret

 

One of my Chaturbate chums is my old pal Brain.  Before I get any further, let me just point out the screen name he uses is brewerbrain and yet I am the only one who refers to him as "Brain", everyone else calls him "Brian" which is so much duller and just plain wrong.  "Brain." It's right there in the screen name.  Do you think all the rest of the Chaturbate gang have some kind of dyslexia?  

Somewhere down the line, Brain mention to me that he had a friend who always teased him about his job, claiming that Brain was working on a secret death ray.  I thought that was pretty funny and since I'm always willing to swipe any joke so that I don't have to bother with coming up with one, I glommed onto it and have been riding that bitch ever since. 

Having worked for the federal government for decades, I had no trouble believing someone is in the death ray business.  What I refuse to accept is that someone could be in a secret business in the government.  I was trapped for several years toiling in the personnel office and I know all too well how much paperwork is generated by even a medium sized office of a small agency.  Are you saying somebody stuck with filing the stupid direct deposits and tax forms and explaining what the health insurance changes are this year, that that poor schmoe is going to keep his trap shut about who he works for?  What about the lawyers that have to certify that everybody went through the sexual harassment training? And the IT idiots who have to figure out the passwords everybody forgets? What about the vendors who need to come in and unjam the copiers?  Personally, if any attractive barista had complimented me on my sweater, I would have blabbed every secret the agency had been stupid enough to entrust me with.

So when someone wants to explain to me how the moon landing was faked or how COVID is a conspiracy and all of it is a secret which has only been pierced by some knucklehead with a podcast, I roll my eyes so far back I am able to look at the inside of my skull.  I am not naive, I know the government is capable of terrible evils and even that they have been able to hide some of them from a gullible public.  But I also know that the average office is not even able to get everyone to clean out the refrigerator when it's their turn.  I can only hope that kind of incompetence is enough to protect us from the death ray conspiracy.

Guys I want to conspire with:

This guy toils in the fields of feelthy pictures under the ludicrous name of "Flex Xtremo."  I am willing to overlook that because he is such an enthusiastic muscle bottom.

I went to the store to get raisins, it seemed like a simple enough task.  I thought they would be by the canned fruit, but no, and the produce section, another seemingly likely bet, also was raisin-less.  Finally, I ran them to ground in the snack section, which is absolutely wishful thinking on the grocer's part.

Our old friend Grag Stone.  That is not a typo.

Valentin, who only uses one name, like Cher, demonstrating car sex at its finest.

Yowzah.  I don't know why he's looking so cranky.  Maybe his back hurts from carrying around all that dick.

Lochie Carey, enjoying the breeze.

I already told you, that sock is gone.

Do you remember the Kinks' song I'm a Ape Man?  It comes to mind.