We’re all watching HGTV’s Design Star are we not? As a showcase of these poor schlub’s design capabilities, it is to laugh, but as a game show, oh my. It falls only short of Hollywood Squares in terms of the queer amusement factor.
I mentioned last year that the contestants seem to regularly fall into immediately recognizable clichés, the easier for the audience to pick out who to root for without wasting precious time on getting to know the characters. There’s the vaguely artsy chick (this year with a kind of biker/punky thang going on,) the obnoxious, overconfident nell, the token black woman, the straight guy to prove not all decorators are poofs, the bleach blonde prom queen with good jewelry, and the humpy eye candy guy. The rest are just fodder thrown in there in order to be voted out. Nobody has cried about how they miss their family yet, and no obvious catfights, but it’s still early.
You may remember last year’s eye candy turned out to have a wee little porn star past. This year’s humpy boy, Dan, LOOKS like a porn star. And I don’t mean that in a generic way. Mrpeenee’s encyclopedic knowledge of porn points out that he bears an uncanny resemblance to Alex Wilcox, one of our faves from days gone by. Proof provided below:
The big change this year is that the judges are much better than in the past, particularly Candice Olson, who I think has the single best decorator show going. I bow before her.
So, episode 1. I love the big Hollywood house, who could go wrong with that? Turns out a couple of these guys could, and did. But overall, they all seem better than past years with no obvious losers. Yay for that.
Since I can’t remember any of their names (except for my new imaginary boyfriend Dan) I’ll just run through the rooms.
Bunk Bedroom . Eesh. I understand they wanted to be sassy, but it was all so random. And those fake animal heads. Honey, if something was ironic five years ago, chances are you should pass on it now.
The bedroom that wasn’t a hot mess. Dull, fussy and it sort of irritates me to agree with that Genevieve Whatshername judge, but she was right, why shove everything over on one wall? And all three bedrooms had those fabulous huge corner windows that they all ignored. Doofuses. Or Doofai. Whatever.
The bedroom that was a hot mess. I actually think the design and color and scale was the best of all three bedrooms. It could have been really pretty if it was finished. This is where the problem with the show being a game show and not being really about decorating ability comes in. So they couldn’t paint the floor? You think on a real show the talent is doing the grunt work? That’s what stage hands are for. Still, the Lady Who Cried got on my nerves, so ok, shove off.
The living room. Jeebus, what a stunning room to start with and then they wound up just sort of OK. Not bad. Ho hum. Thanks, here’s your cookie. Prom Queen lady announces that since it’s so big they need to break it up into conversational areas. Right on, girl. So what happened with that idea? Pissed away while she squabbles with tattoo biker boy about how to put up wallpaper. Look honey, if you want to do it, take the damn brush out his hands and go to it while he does something productive.
And the hot pink geese? Big deal.
The dining room. Yowzah. Everybody liked the big free-hand mural on the wall down onto the floor, including me. I assume the nerdy little queen who actually did it and designed the room while eye candy put together the table and shopped is the sleeper real talent of the show. I’m also pretty sure he volunteered for the dining room to further his lust for Dan. Who can blame him?
Next week: kitchens. Oh boy, because they’re the greatest potential for true disaster, the Poseidon Adventure of decorating shows. My money is on one of the blondes going, mostly because I can’t tell them apart.
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