Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Tachika Must Go

My favorite line ever in Design Star? Candice Olsen asking the contestants “Have you ever seen Design Star? Nobody finishes tile.” Excellent point, on a number of levels, mostly that the contestants should be able to learn from the disasters of past seasons.
• Do not attempt tile back splashes when you don’t have time for it
• Do not bite off more carpentry than the skills of your team can handle
• Do not have your hunky eye candy keep his shirt on.

This week was kitchens. I have to preface my remarks by saying I love to cook and I prefer galley kitchens. They work better. I understand moms might need that bigger space for their adorable tykes to be adorable in, but I say go smoke crack out on the patio and get out of my fucking kitchen. If you do need a big ass kitchen, why then do you stick an island in the middle so you constantly have a traffic block to navigate?

And when people are talking about decorating their kitchens, they now have only two phrases at their disposal: “Tuscan, Italian, Warm, blahblahblah” and “I want to entertain there” which apparently means you want your guests standing around in your way as you’re trying to defrost the shrimp rolls from Costco. Again, crack, patio, out of my fucking kitchen.

So the room that won:
Look, mahmah’s kitchen from the trailer park in Little Rock. This is what they FINISHED with? It looks like a before picture, and a mighty nasty one at that. Too cluttered, ugly colors, crappy finishes. A Buddha in the window, one of them Moroccan ones, no doubt. I now have doubts that tubby know-it-all is gay. No queer would go shopping for accessories and wind up this. Obviously straight trying to pass. So they are the first team in history to actually finish in the time allotted. Big deal. Isn’t it better to have an appealing design? Guess not.

The losers:Judging from the comments on HGTV’s site, I seem to be the only person in the universe who likes it. I know, I know, they didn’t finish the tile (gasp) the counter was fucked up (gasp), but it looks like what they owners asked for. It’s sleek, it’s modern, and I dig it. I agree, more dramatic color on the cabinets would have helped, but still, pretty cool. They couldn’t accessorize the room, but again, I’m ok with that. I don’t want knick-knacks and tchotckes on my counter; that’s where I’m working, bitches; get this fucking flower arrangement out of my way.

Also, my strongest disagreement with both was the cabinets. These kitchens are less than twenty years old, the cabinets are perfectly sturdy and fairly new, and yet both teams ripped them all out to replace them with new cabinets in exactly the same footprint. Have any of them heard about the environment? Yeah, baby, let’s stuff some more wasteful crap into the landfills, trash the resources and energy used to create the originals and wind up with no appreciable difference. Plus the winners, by using smaller cabinets flanking the sink so they could squeeze in some bibelot shelves actually decreased the amount of storage. Fabulous.

Lastly, Tachika (also universally known as the Fuck Up) didn’t do shit, contributed nothing and yet didn’t get booted. What’s with that? Her whole team condemns her and she gets to stay? Did you see the looks when she returned to the green room? A narrow range from stunned to pissed off. I would have been more sympathetic towards Amy getting shafted, but until the actual final line up, I didn’t even know who she was or that there were three blondes, I thought there was just two. That’s how much impact they’ve had on me.

One last thing. When are they going to show Dan with his shirt off? Isn’t that in the contract? I’m not looking for go-go dancing in a thong (although that would not be amiss,) just a couple of nipple shots. Is that asking too much?


  1. I have to agree with you Peenee! Having worked in almost all of the trades of design I can slap a backsplash together in about ten minutes and grout it in five. What I hate most is the wasteful use of granite, it’s not like it’s sustainable or grows in a quarry someplace. One day it will be used to the point of extinction all so some tacky kitchens can get a face lift. Don’t get me started on cabinetry. Older cabinetry if far superior to the shite they crank out at Home Depot where most of it comes. I like the show and I hate the show for all of these reasons. I’m working out my upper body so I can have more talent to be on the show next season.

  2. Hands.

    Other than that, Brava!
    Except...:::gulp:::...I have an island in my kitchen. But it makes it a warm Tuscany place, fun for entertaining.

  3. I assume you're not asking ME to get out of your fucking kitchen!

  4. Miss J wouldn't mind an island- so she could send visitors there so they'd stay the fuck out of her kitchen.

    Did someone's Nanna crochet that afghan thing hanging over the window?

  5. Yeay! Now I don't even have to watch this episode.

    That'll free up the hour for porn.

  6. well said! all of it.
    WHERE do they come up with the Tashika's that they come up with each season????
    I watch each episode like a train wreck unfolding in slo-mo before me.
    As a designer, I should be above this, but I just can't help myself from looking at the carnage.
    dan's my man.

  7. Because I am generous, I am perfectly willing to share Dan, but I get to be first in line.

  8. OMG that first one looks like 3 kitchens combined! Wretch! The other one is much nicer, but there no appliances on the countertop and I need some appliances, a few containers, a spice rack...nothing too cluttery, but something to at least make it look lived in.

  9. I agree Mr Peenee!
    Dan must get his shirt off & maybe Nathan too.
    They could have removed the doors to the cabinets, painted them & had open shelved & spent the $ on new dinnerware (basic white would have worked) & glasses & maybe a collection.
    BTW... my husband is a designer & tonite is the big black tie Gala for Street Of Dreams that he designed a penthouse for:(http://www.streetofdreamspdx.com/home/home.php)... & it is 101 degrees! & we have to wear tuxes.

    Thanks for the great & fun & astute wrap up of Design Star.

  10. ayem8y
    It would be different (a little) if they had to rip out the old ones to re-configure the work space, but IT'S THE SAME STUPID FOOTPRINT.

    odarling, I'm sure the island is not your fault. Right?

    nor am I contemplating shrimp rolls from Costco.

    Miss J
    Nanna's crochet. That is EXACTLY what it looks like.

    Dan. An hour of Porn. I am so there.

    Miss An
    It's the horror of it that makes it all so appealing. In a horrible way.

    Ray Ray
    Appliances, fine, but no knickknacks. In fact a fire engine red toaster and blender would have been just the thing.

    The link doesn't work, rats. I saw the main site and scrolled through the designers, but couldn't pick out your husband (I assume it's not the one who looks like Delta Burke.) I need to see the penthouse, need to.

  11. Good. It's agreed then: when do we start a petition for "Naked Design Star?"

    But first: WTF is up with that winning kitchen? It's like Pier One meets the Clampetts. Just saying.

    Ish. But the second one is too clean for me.

  12. I have to agree, Mr. Peenee. The winner kitchen was kind of, "Let's throw everything trendy at it and see what sticks." The second one was much better.


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