Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Crash Dummy

Tragically, none of these officers responded to the scene.

You guys, I saw a wreck yesterday afternoon. It was so cool! And yet, I didn’t actually see it after all. It was so lame! I had nipped over to a fancy new salad bar and was bringing my tasteful box of greens and goodies back to my desk for lunch. As I was standing on the sidewalk, waiting to jaywalk safely across the street, I was thinking (if you want to call it that) about something or the other, string theory, or porn, or how very delicious my salad was going to be, when BLAMMO, a truck pulled into the path of a bus and was rewarded by getting its front fender well and truly crunched.

It was pretty apparent no one was hurt and the truck was one of those fancy Escalades, so all of us standing on the sidelines were able to be thrilled without being concerned; everyone seemed to agree a Cadillac pickup just deserves whatever traffic mishap it encounters. The whole thing was directly in front of me, right where I would have been looking if I had actually been looking at anything instead of standing there with my eyes glazed and unfocused and I only snapped to when the ka-blam noise jarred me awake.

That’s what I always look at as the main drawback to any time travel I might stumble upon. I know that were I to go back in time to witness Lindbergh landing in Paris, or that sailor kissing the nurse in Times Square on VE day, or the Kennedy assassination, or whatever, at the crucial moment, instead of paying attention, I would be looking around thinking “I wonder where I can get some tacos?”

Mmmm, tacos.


  1. Don't hate the Cadillac, hate the arrogant asshole driving it.

    I so wouldn't mind some idiot hitting my car if those guys were the first responders. Yum

  2. I totally didn't mean to be anoymous.

  3. "fancy new salad bar"

    Now *those* are words I haven't heard since 1980 or so.

    “I wonder where I can get some tacos?”

    This, however, I hear all the time (in my head)

  4. I'm quite certain nobody here fancies a pink taco.

  5. My mother never let us eat at salad bars because people could sneeze on them

  6. I've always thought tacos were a euphemism of sorts...

  7. No one has heard from Mr. Peenee since that awful crash. I hope he hasn’t any latent trauma set in like whiplash or sudden death.

    Perhaps he flew overseas to Texas or Virginia for the holidays and ate so much that he now has to buy two seats to get back home.

    Or he’s waiting for his svelte figure to return before emerging into the public.

  8. Hi, I'm Brian. I write the blog STUDMUFFINBLOG.COM and I found your blog through some crazy ho's blogroll. Anyway, I like what you've got here and wondered if you might be interested in a ~link swap~. I too am a small-town Southern gay now in a big city (NYC). I feel like we could get along.

    Let me knowwww!


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