Firstly, the very idea of moving Dusty Springfield to the screen makes me uneasy. Everything I've ever read about her emphasizes what a troubled, fragile, contradictory woman she was and Hollywood tends not to be able to do any of those things well. Asteroids blasting the Brooklyn Bridge to smithereens, yes; sexually ambiguous cutters with fabulous voices, not so much. I remember the New Yorker's review of the recent Edith Piaf picture describing it as "the usual gin-and-regrets," sort of movie. I feel sure the best we could hope for here would be "gin-and-regrets-and-mascara." Lots of mascara.
Plus I don't really like Nicole Kidman. I know, gasp. The only thing of hers I was amused by was a Chanel commercial that costarred Rodrigo Santorro (mmmmmmm) who was also Xerxes in The 300. Who cared what Kidman was getting up to on the right side of the screen when everyone was watching him on the left to see if would pull his panties off.
Face it, she won an Oscar for wearing a prosthetic nose in The Hours. Julianne Moore was tremendously better. Where is the justice? And am I the only one who thinks that scene of Moore in the room filling with water looks like something out of The Shining? I have to assume Nicole Kidman lip synching You Don't Have to Say You Love Me would simply be too painful to watch without drugs, or maybe even with them.
So here's my proposition for her: why not remake Green Acres instead? I'm sure the role Lisa Douglas is possibly within her range, even if she could never rise to Eva Gabor's star magnitude.
Speaking of The 300, Gerard Butler could be Oliver Douglas, especially those famous scenes I've just made up of a nude Oliver coming down a spiral staircase, over and over again. Tell me you wouldn't wear out the pause button on your remote on that.
Mariah Carey could be Arnold the Pig.
Three percent of the international gross and the idea is all yours. Let's do this.