Wednesday, July 28, 2010

No Designers Were Harmed in Making this Design Star

This is the last time you will ever see my blog soiled by a reference to Design Star. I've gone from liking it a lot, to watching it because it was so bad it was sort of amusing, to now being nothing but irritated by it. Besides, the charming Design Blahg already writes about it much better than I ever did, so I'm happy to let them cover the idiocy. You should go see their site if you haven't already. Sweet.

I understand Design Star is actually just another game show, but in the first few seasons there was genuinely talented designers competing, which made it more interesting to watch. Last year. they were bad, but this season they are completely without any skill at all. The finished rooms are almost painful to look at, the best they ever come up with is bland.

Here's what I don't like: all of it. The cheap ass lack of budget which forces everyone to decorate like impoverished waiters; the stupid and arbitrary time limits which forces everyone to cut corners that the judges then ding them for; the inane challenges "This week, you'll be required to be inspired by something that means nothing to any of you. Go."; These stupid, stupid group challenges were everyone has to be a team player but be individualistic at the same time. Just what does that have to do with hosting a design show? Nina. And I didn't even watch the show where she got a boot up her ass. Damn. And mostly Vern Yip. The Yipster. Yippy, a Chihauhau Among Men.

Mean, petty, blustering, a number of other blogs and comments have suggested that something large in his rectum would improve his disposition. I prefer not to speculate. His own show revels that he has the design skill of those excessively large ladies you see in Bed, Bath and Beyond buying fake grape vines to swag over their curtain rods, and yet, he lays down his dictum in the judge's section as if it were holy law. And totally arbitrary. Somebody gets the boot for a room that looks "sterile and unfinished," but the winning room, that he swoons over, looks almost identical. The fuck?

The closest I'll come to a recap of this week's show (with Donald Trump! Junior! Did you know there was a Junior? Did you know he looks like a not very successful used car salesman?) is reflecting on how the two contestants who got kicked off both seemed pretty "Yeah, whatever. Just get me off this fucking dog show."

And the Grand Prize! Hosting your very own HGTV show! Wow! Except this year, now having piled up an excess of mediocre talents from previous years, a couple of which still haven't gotten their show on the air, and a few of the others with theirs in some 6:00 AM Thursday limbo, the producers have opted to make your show an online production. Again, wow! You know, I have my own online sow, I call it my blog. In fact, you're reading it right now. And I have 52 followers, which is a few dozen more than whatever lame ass show they come up with will ever manage to scrape up.

Anyway, I'm outa here. It used to be fun, but it was just one of those things. Dear HGTV, it's not me. It's you.

Houseboy Pilas Magnus has offered to help everyone get all that nasty Design Star taste off their tongue. We appreciate Pilas's generous offer.


  1. Goodness!....happily, I've successfully avoided watching any of it this year.
    Now I'm glad.

    But now, burned in my mind, thanks to you, is the image of Vern Yip barking like a chihuahua as a synthetic grapevine from Bed Bath and Behind is put in his Beyond.

  2. Does this show have anything at all to do with vision and talent? Or is it really just about who is the most telegenic?

  3. Oh my I could go on and on but you said all that need be. Hilda East my design mentor and professional designer was not a great beauty with her red wig and powdered mug but she had more talent and charisma in her little pinky than any of these people.

    I said it before, HGTV are you listening, less H and more G! I'm on HTV strike.

  4. J
    A tuscan inspired grapevine. A big one.

    It seems to have the most to do with who irritates me the most.

    You Dirty Pirate, you,
    I am so with you.

  5. This is the last time you will ever see my blog soiled by a reference to Design Star.

    But surely not the last time we’ll see it soiled.

  6. your choice in houseboy was brilliant. you should do everyone's hiring.

    i've never watched this program. my husband watches house hunters. i sit in sometimes. i don't know why HGTV even exists anymore. isn't every citizen proficient in glue gun?

  7. It is pathetic this year and I think the group challenges are why.
    We don't see any one designer's strengths and weakensses.
    We only see group weakness.
    And, pardon my French, but if smashing up a fucking coffee cup and gluing it to a pillow you made earns you the weeks top honors, then smack my ass and call me a design star.
    I could do that shit in my sleep.

    Just sayin'.

  8. It’s the premise of the show that doesn’t work. The game show format (American Idol format) with a loser every week. You can’t boil design principles, elements, aesthetics, etc down to gimmicky half hour challenges. This isn’t some drive-thru career with an order of spokes model on the side please.

    What would make a nice show is to pick five professional designers (with education or experience) give them each an identical HOUSE and a reasonable budget and a fair one or two months to remodel, customize, and decorate to their tastes...not a trumped up client’s taste. Follow them around with cameras have them learn the ins and outs of broadcast, communication, and presentation. Be able to present themselves and hone it.

    Then we decide who did the best job at the end with a full, ‘Welcome to my Home’ presentation and a retrospective of what they did weekly and how far they have come. The professional designers should serve as mentors only assisting with constructive critique.

  9. FYI: My entire kitchen is 'grapevine'...

    ahem. NOT.

    I stopped watching DESIGN STAR after I shot my load for David Bromstad; now he never writes or calls.

    My biggest gripe with HGTV is lack of programming. Period. I don't care what time of goddamn day I tune in I get "House Hunters" or "Holmes on HOMES." Which would be a 100% better if he just wore a jockstrap with that tool belt and nothing else.

    Let's not kid ourselves; Vern Yip's asshole is big enough to film "Memoirs of a Geisha/Part Two." Just saying...

  10. All this makes Miss J feel better about not getting sucked into another faux-reality show. That show Jason is pitching sounds amusing tho. Something about synthetic grapevines...?

  11. You know my feelings. To me the "Antonio Treatment" uis a cross between sniffing the bottom on an ashtray and being sent to rehab. Ick.

    But I am so sick of Vern Yip. He really does need a good fucking and a ball gag.

  12. Jesus MDP - way to go all intellectual on on us. Now your naked ass is more sexy than before.


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