Monday, June 8, 2009

The Gays and Their Girls

Riding back from lunch just now, I was sitting across the aisle from a classic fag-and-his-hag duo. Oh, it’s possible I was imagining things, that the young man was not the least bent, but I truly suspect the farthest down on the LGBTQI spectrum he could fall would be the Questioning bit. As for her, her role in life was well and truly cemented.

He was young and adorable, even his braces (!) seemed like flattering accessories. She was, uhm, not adorable. A little overweight, bad two-tone hair, “artistic” shoes and a too tight horizontal striped tee shirt. It’s actually the shirt that makes me wonder if the boy was all the way out. Surely anyone who has left the closet behind would have talked her out of such a mistake.

She was overly gregarious, laughing loudly and telling some complicated story that lasted from Church Street all the way downtown and which required lots of touching, constantly patting him on the arm or grabbing his knee. His contribution to the conversation seemed to be mostly sub-audible static.

I foresee all too clearly the future here. More hanging-out together that she construes as dates; a late night, teary proclamation (on one side or the other, or both); text messages ignored; and then a confrontation in a bar to be named at a later date.

Haven’t we all been there before?


  1. "a little overweight"? the minute i started reading, i wondered how fat she was. i am guessing you are being kind. havent i taught you anything?????

  2. Darling, the things you taught me, I had already figured out in the men's room.

    She was tubby.

  3. "artistic" shoes?
    Gosh, how far down on the LGBTQI spectrum were they, I wonder?
    Poor thing.

    I'd hate to think of the scene when her shoes
    come out to her too.

  4. I say if your shoes are more interesting than you are, you're in trouble.

  5. My prom date, incidentally, had two-tone hair, was a bit overweight, and often wore artistic shoes.

    Of course, during my teen years, the same could be said pour moi.

  6. *Sigh*

    It's these type of hags who give the rest of us a bad name.

    And no amount of preaching at them will convince them that they're barking up the wrong tree.

    It's like trying to convert a Republican to Democrat.

    Side note: I'm slim but now that you mention it, my shoes DO get noticed more than anything else about me.

  7. As a girl who went to the prom with a straight guy- who leeringly asked (re a proffered maraschino cherry), "That's not the cherry I want!" - I kind of envy her the gayling with the braces.

    But you're right. He couldn't possibly have been fully emerged. Chubby girl, horizontal stripes. No, little haglet! No!

  8. Miss J would love to think that her Gaydar so developed as a wee haglet that she just never made this mistake... More likely, its that her gay boyfriends were such obvious sissies the whole, "Let's date" thing was out of the question. Miss J preference for the little thuggy types at least saved her from one type of humiliation in her young life.

  9. Actually, I noted at dinner just this past weekend that what I really needed in life was not so much the boyfriend thang but a suitable, sassy 'hag.'

    Martinis tend to loosen my thoughts.

  10. "Martinis tend to loosen my thoughts."

    Martinis tend to loosen my pants.

  11. There are elements to the gay boy/fag hag relationship that can be quite sweet...there's just such a fine line between sweetness and dysfunction that it often ends in disaster, tears, and mascara stains on your favorite Friday night club shirt. Oh and learn...


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