Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Mommy Mobsters

R Man had to go in to be scoped by our gastroenterologist (Have I mentioned due to our late middle age stuff, we have become tight with our g.e.? On first name basis in fact. "Jane, darling, wassup?" "Oh mrp, lookin' good." Carumba.) and I accompanied him because the drugs they give you in order to shove a camera down your throat tend to sort of wipe you out. Funny, huh? So after the procedure you need to have a rational person (or in this case, me) around to talk to the doctor and then make sure you actually get home and not go off staggering around downtown with your pants on your head.

While R was enjoying the thrill of semi-invasive medical hi-jinks, I went to lunch. Jane's office is in a fashionable part of town called Laurel Heights. I despise it. It is to breeder Ladies of a certain age as the Castro is to queers; Ground Zero. Every stretch of sidewalk is commandeered by mommies striding along to yoga with whatever spawn they've managed to come up with, wearing unattractive sensible shoes.

I usually am ok with breeder people. I'm sure it's not their fault, but there is something about these particular women who seem to emit a thrilled smugness about their own reproductive ability that just goes right up my nose. "Look," they seem to be saying, "My uterus works. Revel in it." Well, speaking of organs, my colon works, too, but I don't feel the need to show off the results.

Mostly it's the goddam strollers, the SUVs of the fecund, that work my nerves so.
Behemoths that function mainly to draw attention to their cargo, in this neighborhood they are traffic hazards everywhere. I had to ask one Lady to move hers so I could sit down at the only empty table and after she heaved a huge sigh indicating what a burden it was, she had to struggle to get the stupid thing to move six inches so I could squeeze past. I wanted to explain I was only in her 'hood because I am a white slaver and I was casing out the joint for a raid, but her little precious was safe since I was not in the market for the obviously genetically defective, but I let it pass. You know why? Because I have manners, motherfucker.

When I finally got home, houseboy Gnut Arialdus had to lead me in a meditative chant for the better part of an hour to calm me down.


  1. Off-topic but I've just put in an order for 3 Peenee Beanies in assorted colours.

    *laughs uproariously and winks knowingly at TJB*

  2. I think you should trot Gnut out there in one of those strollers...with a pacifer in his mouth...just to show those bitches
    the fruits of *your* colon.

  3. We got 'em down here too and those dames give me the screamin' meemies.

  4. Oh, lord, working at the zoo I see THOUSANDS of fucking strollers a day. They are outta control, and so are the breeders that push them. Seriously!

    Sorry, just had to vent. I'll go back to bed now.

  5. "I had to ask one Lady to move hers so I could sit down at the only empty table and after she heaved a huge sigh indicating what a burden it was, she had to struggle to get the stupid thing to move six inches so I could squeeze past."

    And you are to be luaded for keeping you composure and not conducting a personal come to Jesus meeting with her on the spot. Honestly some of the cunts just think they own everything and God's little acre to boot.

    Well played Peenee!

  6. I like to comment to the closest lady "my mother used to wear a coat like that" Screws up their whole day.

  7. I'm still laughing from "a rational person (or in this case, me). . .

  8. God! I just came back from the Disney parks and all the women have strollers for their fat ten year olds. Honestly these women need to be shown a standard pediatrician chart for age and normal weight parameters.

    Not to mention when they get to pushin’ them things across an open stretch of pavement you better look out for the inertia. They don’t stop for anyone and will use a loaded stroller as battering ram.

  9. Crimeny! Does that stroller come with an air bag, too?!

  10. Marcus - Adelaide, Sth. AustraliaFebruary 6, 2010 at 6:31 PM


    You have such a way with words! I have the best laugh reading your blog!!!

    Keep up the GREAT work!!!

  11. Loathe 'em. They ARE smug and also sanctimonious and act like they are the first ones ever to spread their legs and pop a puppy out. blech.

    I remember when I lived in Sydney there was a certain suburb where I worked and the streets were crowded with these women. I used to hate how half a dozen of them would take over a coffee shop with their mewling brats and if they started to cry and you dared complain or even LOOK in their direction, they'd shoot daggers at you. "How could you?! It's just a baby!" F*ck, go to a playground, like you are supposed to!

    Love how they push their strollers ahead of them out into the street at ped crossings, as if that would stop a crazy Miami driver!

  12. this article is truly awesome


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