Wednesday, February 3, 2010

mrpeenee versus The Man

When Diane von Austinburg and I were attending the You of Tee college place (actually, only Diane was attending. I was just paying tuition and hanging around) we met while working on the college newspaper, The Daily Texan. The Texan was a pretty hilarious place, a den of dopers and bowling enthusiasts. Almost the only thing I learned while in school there was how to spell the word "corduroy" and how to lay out a publication, both courtesy of the Texan rather than any so-called class.

Laying out the paper was always a late night affair, dragged out by repeated trips to a nearby alley to smoke astonishing quantities of mediocre dope. One of those late, late nights, a friend and I were alerted to what our other friend Lara claimed was the side splitting graffiti in the women's bathroom. We immediately went to investigate, but I felt it didn't live up to its reputation, so we left. As we stepped out the door, we came face to face with two of the campus cops.
Believe me, they did not look like this.

UT's cops were humorless jerks who lacked the personal magnetism to make it into ROTC and were bitter because of it. They did not approve of druggy hippies, and certainly not two faggy ones emerging giggling out of the ladies toilet.

After we stared at each other, equally aghast, for what seemed eternity-ish like, they remembered whatever training they had slept through and asked what we thought we were doing. Fortunately I was devious enough to lie, firmly, and claim Lara had sent us in because she had heard some guy in there and was frightened. I know, brilliant, huh?

There were a tense few moments; I don't know if they were evaluating the likelihood of how truthful I was being or if they were just trying to mentally sound out the big words I had used. Then in another flash of inspiration (two in a row! Score!) I announced I had to get back to work. "I have a paper to get out," I said grandly and walked off. The cops must have just shrugged and went off for doughnuts. We never saw them again.

I should have been scared; God knows my academic standing was already so shaky it wouldn't have taken much to get tossed out on my skinny ass. Although, really, I'm still not sure walking in the wrong restroom is a crime. Nevertheless, I wasn't freaked out, I was as thrilled with my bad self as if I had pulled a heist over Interpol rather than fast-talking a couple of mentally impaired goons.

Anyway, the next year I really was kicked out of school, but for abysmally poor grades and not for any ladies room shenanigans. Still, I'm glad I don't have a rap sheet that notes "Restroom trespassing." How mortifying would that be?


  1. Ah, the Daily Texan! When I'm not being Miss Plumcake, I work for the other (only slightly more respectable) paper in the City of the Violet Crown.

  2. Goodness, but you Texans are colorful!
    Love it.

    I think you should send this personality piece, or is it an Op-ed? to The Daily Texan today.

  3. Only once in my life have a found a cop who was as hot as some people's fantasies. He was an Ohio Highway Trooper. We tricked once in a tea room on the oSU campus back in 1983. Then we started seeing one and other. For as beautiful as he was, he was - how do I say this nicely - whimsical. By third date he was writing poetry and looking at me with an empty in love stare. There was no fourth date. I explained that I was still in school, and his post was three counties away. Last I heard he had moved west to SF and had found his zen in being a safe sex advocate. Fletcher, if you are reading this, I wish you well - stay there, its still over between us. PS Stop sending Christmas cards.

  4. Still, I'm glad I don't have a rap sheet that notes "Restroom trespassing." How mortifying would that be?

    There's still time.

  5. Cool Cookie is heartless, simply heartless... As for Mr. P, well, Miss J can assure you, a night in jail is only amusing afterward when one blogs about it.

  6. omg
    How did I not get Cool cookie's life???
    so unfair.

  7. I'm adding restroom trespass to the personal rap sheet I keep on you. It will be the first item. Followed by cooking sweet potatoes without me.

    Big Art lives!

  8. "I have a paper to get out!" how very Helen Lawson-like.


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