Monday, June 18, 2012

It's a peenee Life

Darlings, I have had the most wonderful day.  I hope you all did too, because I am a giving and loving type.  It certainly didn't start out as as a wonderful anything.  I woke up with a terrible neck and shoulder ache, the result, no doubt, of being too giving and loving.  Or probably from sleeping in a weird Z shape because of Saki.  Fucking cat.

Anyway, I decided to take some extra Vicodin, which I try not to do since I take so much regularly, it seems excessive.   Possibly because it IS excessive.  Still, desperate times call for desperate Vicodin dosages, so I knocked back a couple and climbed on top of my Cold Pack.  Do you know of the wonders of Cold Packs?  It's a little pillow filed with antifreeze you keep in the freezer and when your back aches, you lie on it.  Heaven. It's the best thing for bad backs since, I don't know, ever.

And then as I was lying there I suddenly realized "Man, am I LOADED."  Vicodin wins again.

But wait, it gets better.  "How can it get better?" you ask.  Impertinent dog.  It got itself better because after floating around in a drug and anti-freeze induced haze, I decided to go to the Kabuki Spa and have a massage.  One of my favorite masseurs, Gabriel, who is large and vigorous and does this foot thing that is the besty thing your feet will ever have, ever, was available, so I was set.

In the steam room there was this charming tiny Asian man with the most perfectly proportioned muscles.  Take your left hand and curve it as if you were describing the circumference of a coconut.  Now take your right hand and do the same thing.  Now put your thumbs together.  Amazing, you just made his ass!  Mmm baby.   Making it even more flagrant was the crisply drawn tan line of a eensy little Speedo. Where someone so small would find one is beyond me.  One assumes he either shops in the boys' department or ladies wear, and I'm not sure which possibility is more alluring.  Luridly alluring.
Better than this.  Imagine.

Also, the Latino guy with hair like black silk cascading in a ponytail down to the small of his very muscular back.  Yes, it's true.

So, to recap, drugs, ice packs, cute naked guys and a great massage.  It's a wonderful life.


  1. You make having a neck pain sound simply elegant

  2. Saki deserves a treat as thanks for starting you off on such a wonderful day! Sounds far more wonderful than my day was. . .

    . . .mine started with a bicyclist running a red light and giving me the finger because I dared to honk my horn at him (while standing on the brakes so I wouldn't hit the flat-assed SOB). It is ending with a headache caused by so-called "parents" letting their screeching brats run amok in Tarzhay

  3. my day was the antithesis, but i will not
    sully your good times with my moany, droney tales.

    vicodin constipates me terribly.

    1. Then take it with your favorite industrial-strength laxative, dearie. (It puts me to sleep faster than anything. If I want to enjoy it, I need to mainline No-Doz.)

  4. Girls, girls, girls: one simply must be strong.

  5. Nice to see someone else celebrating "The Year of the Arse"!

  6. Is kabuki zero at the Kabuki Spa?

    If so, book me an appointment!

  7. Sorry....can't type...must put thumbs together and make small asian muscular ass with hands now....

  8. My day is spent waiting by my home phone because we're on conference calls with the relocation lady.

  9. kabuki zero is desparate to go to the Kabuki spa. But kabuki would not go without Peenee. Vicodin have no effect on kabuki, so kabuki has the trifecta Percoct+Lyrica+Flexeril, then kabuki gets in the hot tub.

  10. Sounds to me like you're high on LIFE!

  11. This morning while in the shower, I was wondering why I couldn't get a lather with the new shampoo, then I realized, I was using conditioner. I knew this day would come.


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