Tuesday, June 3, 2014

What's in a Name?

You know, of course, all the finest porn sites have search functions to allow one to peruse the vast universe of filth more effectively.  Occasionally, I amuse myself (while abusing myself, as Ms Midler would have it) by typing in the most ridiculous titles that come to mind to see, not if, but rather how many of them are actual films.  Those of you familiar with the genre will not be surprised at the incredibly high return of hits I get, no matter how blatantly stupid the name might be.  And let me just add that when I say "Those of you familiar with the genre..." I know I am speaking to all of you guys, so don't try to hide.

It's a game you can play once you're bored with watching how far some brute can stick his forearm up someplace it was never meant to be, so let's go shall we?

Surprisingly, one of my faves, In the Drivers Seat, still is waiting for someone (you maybe) to make it.  On the other hand, I was amazed to find another one, Under the Big Top, was not only produced, but done so quite well by the genius director Kristen Bjorn

and stars the creamy dreamboat, Max Veniziano.
Production notes inform us that this epic is based on the opera Pagliacci, which I, for one, did not expect, but, you know, whatever.

 Also another title I'm quite fond of, Grease Pit, is still unrealized, although a search for that term turns up some real doozies, including, but not limited to Grease Guns (1 and 2)


and the close-but-no-cigar Grease Pit Daddys.  That may be an improvement, I'm not sure.



Plus Low Hanging Fruit is also inexplicably available and, again, searching for that reveals some candidates that have been cranked out that I am not even going sully my blog with by repeating.

Pretty much any common phrase is a likely candidate.  In fact Common Phrase could be a great choice, the story of a randy English teacher and his naughty pupils, although I suppose it requires one to know that "common" not only means vulgar, but once upon a time was used to refer to one who was sexually knowing.  Ooh, ooh, and Sexually Knowing would be another and a shout out to the Who's Quadraphenia to boot. And what would lend itself to this better than To Boot?  Why do I have to do all the thinking around here?

The great thing about smut titles is that not only do they provide the name of the film, but the plot as well, and, frequently, most of the dialogue.  You come up with Daddy's Home and, boom, you're pretty much done with writing.  Or "writing."  And also, again, searching for that gem leads you down a rabbit hole of ouveres you probably don't want to know about, although Daddy Ike Is Collecting the Rent sounds like it might be amusing.

Sorry, I gotta go, I have tons more research to do.












12 comments:


  1. you & robert osbourne need to do a sit-down.
    essentials, indeed.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Is anyone genuinely christened "Cody" or "Chip"..? Jx

    PS My all-time fave porn title was "Shaving Ryan's Privates". I was told about it by - er - a "friend".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I can't talk, a "friend" wants to go watch it RIGHT NOW.

      Delete
  3. I do so hope that "Grease Guns" is a musical (something like Chicago meets Grease)!
    But I'm sure I'd be disappointed...again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You could probably mute it and hum something. Cabaret, maybe.

      Delete
  4. I'll Do You, While You Do My Wife" produced some particularly icky results.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the search function should allow you to filter results by "Sandwich" or "Sammich."

      Delete
  5. Not a porn film but more of a "Cheeky 1970s British sex comedy," I like the title, "I'm Not Feeling Myself Tonight."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ...which received one of the best/worst reviews I've read in a long time. Jx

      Delete
    2. And I'm probably the only one here who sat through the entire "insane fuck factory."

      Delete
    3. Having read the review Jon pointed us to, I will not challenge your claim.

      Delete

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