Friday, December 24, 2010

Happy Holidaze

Sixty years ago today, Ike and Mamie lead the survivors of the Annual Solstice Virgin Sacrifice stumbling away from the slaughter pit. Ike is lost in thought as to which might still be the most succulent, while Mamie manages to cling to her dazed consciousness only by focusing on what awaits her in the White House cellar.

Merry Exmas!!

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Did You Know Christmas is Coming Up?

We actually know heterosexual men. Straight males who love the furry clam, the pink taco, the innie, not the outie, the hole not the pole. Five of them - no, six - wait, make that seven. Maybe 6.5. One of the straightest of them made us a fabulous gingerbread house. God love him, he knew we could use a little Christmas, right this very minute and he came across.

My favorite part? The tiny little gingerbread man packing a tiny little gingerbread bazooka.
The artist claimed it was no such thing, that, instead, it represented him carrying in firewood, but considering how carefully he's aiming it at his tiny little gingerbread wife, I am not fooled.
I recognize psychosexual dynamics, the madonna/whore conflict, the terror of the desired that straight men have to live with. Of course, we gays don't have all that; we just don't like pussy.

Unless it looks like this.
I snagged this photo from Kevin over at The Lisp and let me just thank him publicly. I think this will be my favorite Xmas present this year.

I genuinely am delighted with the house; the artistry is very impressive and it was most considerate of the old darling to make it for us. I had to have a very firm talk with Saki about not fucking with it. Negotiating with a cat: always your first mistake.

And it seems as if this will be the only gesture towards the season we will be presenting this year at Chez peenee. That's fine with me, I'm lukewarm towards Christianity as a whole. Most of my religious instruction consisted of "Shut up and sit down" so once I escaped and understood the whole thing was a Jewish fairytale about a zombie starring in a snuff film featuring his cannibalistic ex-boyfriends, I don't know, the magic sort of escaped me.

But let me go on the record as being firmly in favor of gingerbread houses.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

More Beauty Tips

I wandered into middle age resigned to a receding hairline; the sheen of my scalp was obvious early on. One of my strongest vows to myself was to never try to hide it. Comb-overs, rugs, plugs: ick, no thanks. Still, one day when R Man and I were trying to buy me a suit I was stunned to look in the three way mirror and find a bald spot in the back. I felt betrayed by my own follicles. Wasn't it bad enough they were fleeing from the front? Did they have to sneak out the back as well?

But even once I capitulated on the top of my head, I was not prepared to realize I was also losing my eyebrows. What the hell? In all the cultural bitching about aging we have, I don't every remember anyone touching on the topic of eyebrow loss. More than the sparseness above, I think my patchy brows is my most aging feature, with the few remaining hairs all old-man shaggy and gray, the worst of both worlds.



My recent sojourn at the spa/salon brought to light the idea of eyebrow tinting. What do you think? I wouldn't go for the Joan Collins circa 1963 thang, but I think just darker brown than the washed out gray I'm working with now might be just the ticket. It's bound to be cheaper than a Botox party.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Making Groceries

All I wanted was to pick up some milk, bread, oranges and several large bags of cookies. How was I to know Safeway was a stop-off for the casting call of Night of the Living Dead? Every single aisle blocked by shambling zombies IN MY WAY. Also, apparently, a bunch of tourists, foreign to our way of life, stunned by the splendor and majesty of the bagel selection. Look bitches, my list of Very Important Things To Do Right Now does not include standing stuck behind you while you ponder the attributes of different fish sticks.

Plus, while I appreciate Safeway organizing their stores into adorable sections like "Breakfast" and "Housewares" why do I always wind up with something I need that is hidden on the "Random Shit" aisle?

Thursday, December 9, 2010

File Under "What?"

Sometimes I get Joan Jett

and Pat Benatar confused,

I know, it's very odd. I'm not ashamed of this; there are plenty of things in my life much worse and which I am not sharing today, thanks. I blame the drugs. Whether they were mine or Pat and Joan's, I can't tell.

Also, why do I have such a hard time getting YouTube videos on here? Huh? So, go here
to see a video that is both amusing and has a terribly cute humpy guy.

Monday, December 6, 2010

And We Have a Winner

Our panel of judges (Diane von Austinburg, my cat Saki, and some guy from Psychic Friends Network who talks to me when I'm not wearing my aluminum foil hat) has selected the winner of the mrpeenee Sweepstakes

But before we announce the lucky winner, let me just thank everyone who played; you were all just as delightfully potty-mined as I had hoped. It's so good to have some things you can depend on.

Also, our congratulations go out to Designing Wally as Miss Congeniality
for his poetic entry:
it is a pocket sconce.
fabricated lovingly by a charming pubescent boy who adores his mother and flowers..
made in his junior high school art class, he received an A+, and got big wet kisses on both cheeks from his art teacher...

And the winner is:
Congrats old darling. Send me your mailing address and we'll have whatever the hell that thing really is winging its way to you. Soonish.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Back from the Blind

Perhaps you already know about the wonders of Flexible Spending Accounts. Your employer deposits a chunk of your salary you choose each year and you get to spend it on your medical expenses. The money is not taxed and, in federal employees' case anyway, the entire amount you designate is available immediately so it's like an interest free loan for a year. The down side is any money in the account you don't spend by the end of the year, you lose. It's like a not very amusing game. In December you have to guess how sick you're going to get in the next year and how expensive it will be.

This year, I wildly overshot and so now I'm scrambling around trying to spend up all the money still hanging around my account. Since the pinheads at FSA will not recognize rentboys as legitimate medical expenses, I was considering decorative surgery, but decided to spring for new glasses instead. I picked them up this afternoon.

I assume plenty of you guys are myopic because, you know, so many of you use big words in your comments. Thus you'll understand the thrill of new glasses. Never again will the world look so crisply clear as it does through brand new lenses.

So what did I see, wandering through the Castro, my eyesight all tuned up?

(Of course I didn't think to take my camera, so all images are approximate and swiped from various websites.)

The agapanthus on Market and Noe are remarkably brilliant blue.

The storefront that used to house Earthtones, a fairly charming tchotchke store, is now reopening as a combination wine bar and jewelry store.
What? Is their business plan that customers will get drunk and pop for overpriced bijoux? It seems like an unlikely concept.

Plenty, plenty of cute guys. Reveling in my new found ability to focus, I was looking around absentmindedly and suddenly realized I was staring at an absolutely ravishing boy. Good Heavens.
He had on a lovely olive green sweater, too.

Even as I realized what I was doing, I also saw that he was looking directly through me, invisible as a glass window in his path. That didn't bother me; I had my turn and now it's his. What it did do, however, was make me wonder what it would be like to be young and so very good looking and living in San Francisco. I know, I know, everyone has their own pains and sorrows, rain falls on the beautiful and the ugly alike, blahblahblah. Still, what is like, to turn heads everywhere you go? I'll never know, I'd just be satisfied with his sweater.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

mrpeenee Sweepstakes

Diane von Austinburg, god love her, blew back into town last week to support us through the trials of Thanksgiving. Believe me when I tell you we were giving plenty thanks for her, not the least was for her delicious butternut squash bread pudding.

Of course we hit the very best thrift stores.
Alas, we scored ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, except a pair of charming little saucers, one of which I promptly broke.

We did unearth this bizarre oddity.

Diane has urged me to throw it into a competition here. The best guess what it might be wins. The prize: I will personally go back to Thrift Town and if it's still there (chances seem good,) I'll snap it up and send it to the winner.

Hoo Hoo.

Second place will win houseboy Vantius Olivier.
To save time I have already declared myself as second place winner. Thank you.

In Which Credit Is Taken

Financial advice from mrpeene e So every year or two, some evil little troll manages to get their grubby paws on my credit card number.  The...