In Which mrpeenee Struggles with the World of Internet Commerce

You are now connected to Amazon from Amazon.com

Me:On August 26, I had a chat session about the whirlpool bathtub I ordered. The person I chatted with claimed someone from "large purchases" would get back to me in 24 hours. It's been a week, no contact, so a) what's with that and b) where's my bathtub?

Amazon:Hello Gary, my name is Natally and I'm so sorry to hear that we where supposed to contact you and we didn't and the fact that you don't have your bathtub, let me see how i can help you

Me:great

Amazon:just to verify the address we are supposed to send this bathtub is blah blah blah

right?

Me:yes

Amazon:thank you, Gary please wait for me just a moment while i review your account really quick

Ok Gary, thank you for your patience, I actually need to connect you with one of my colleagues from the concierge dept because of the price of this bathtub, please hold while I connect you.

Gary are you there?

Me:yeah, it's not like I'm going to take a bath or anything.

Amazon:Thank you Gary just a moment

A Customer Service Associate will be with you in a moment.

You are now connected to Ben from Amazon.com

Ben:Hello!

Me:hi

Ben:I'm sorry that you have not gotten your bathtub yet, let me pull this order up and we'll see what's going on.

It looks like we are still working on acquiring the inventory to ship it out to you.

Me:what does that mean? I ordered this on July 19. When is the tub getting here.

Ben:We currently do not know. We're working on getting the inventory. It looks like it was out of stock when ordered and we've not been able to get another one quite yet. I'm sorry.

Me:It took amazon a month and a half to realize it was out of stock, I contacted you once already, and you're just now getting around to mentioning this?

Ben:I'm very sorry, from what I'm seeing on the details of the order, this was out of stock when you ordered it.

We did send you an update shortly after the order with an expected time that we could get this out to you. That was between August 18th and September 11th. I know that's a very long window, but when we're not sure when we're going to actually get them in, that does tend to happen.

Me:I'd like to point out Sept. 11 is nine days away. Are you saying the tub will be here then?

Ben:I cannot guarantee that, as it does not look like we've found a supplier yet, but it is not outside of the realm of possibilities. To be very honest, I doubt it.

Me:So, to summarize: Amazon's customer guarantees are worthless.

Ben:Not typically, but unfortunately in this case, it looks like we might actually not be able to make that date.

I can happily look into what's going on and why it's taking so long.

Of course, if you would like to cancel the order and go somewhere else, I'd completely understand.

Me:"Looking into it and finding out why it's taking so long" would be swell. In fact, many customers would assume that is what you would be already doing.

Ben:On the customer service end, that's not something that we generally handle. That's taken care of by our vendor managers and others in the procurement teams. But since I want to help you, I will do what I can to get you an answer, since they have not updated you.

Me:I'm in New Orleans. I can get a voodoo doll with "Procurement team" written on it without breaking a sweat and I suspect it would be just about as much help.

Ben:If that's what you feel you want to do, you're perfectly welcome to. I, on the other hand, am going to actually try to be helpful, if that's ok with you.

Me:Go to it. And reel in the snark while you're at it.

Ben:Honestly sir, I could say the exact same to you, but I did not mean to be snarky, so I apologize.

I'm typing up an email to the vendor manager in charge of that department.

Me:I look forward to hearing what you discover.

Ben:Would you prefer email or phone?

Me:email is fine. My address is mrpeenee@yahoo.com.

Ben:Awesome. I'll reach out to you as soon as I hear anything. I'm sorry that this is taking so long to get to you.

Me:Thank you and good day.

Vote Now!

A ginger selling something or the other.  Who knows?

My dears. the polls are OPEN and the race is on.  First the UN votes Palestine as a state; and then that slattern MJ has opened the Kitchen Queen contest over at Infomaniac ; and now you can vote for the smut of your choice at  Cybersocket

Secret Agent Fred and I spent an amusing time last night reviewing their lists ("stars," products, sites and other ephemera) and vetting the prospects. I meant to save the best for a post here today, like this

but I realize now that I failed to note what, or who, the different pictures were of so I just wound up with a big ol' pile of smut.  Regrettable.

Part of the problem is that all-too-common bugaboo of internet browsing: distraction.  Fred and I started out looking up names from Cybersockets' lists that we didn't recognize, but that quickly turned into each of us sharing with the other our favorite performers or auteurs or nastiest or freakiest and the whole thing dissolved into a jungle of unrelated tabs.

People like feets.

One  of things that I was reminded of is how often porn stars (or "people of porn" as I like to call them) turn up with those weird eye problems known as "wall-eyed" or "wandering eye" (Wikipedia kindly informs us this is properly called strabismus.)  Persons less nice than me refer to this as "seeing you coming and going" "being able to drop a dime and pick up two nickels" or simply "da crazy eye."

In other fields of entertainment this condition is more of a handicap, but in the egalitarian world of feelthy pictures what's in your pants seems to cancel everything else out.

And who gets MY vote?  Beats me.  I'm still doing research.  Or "research."  Because I am thorough, bitches.

Here's a partial list of crazy eyed beauties.

Scott Carter.  He's Spanish so of course his nom d'porn is "Scott Carter."  Of course.

Francesco D'Macho.  Nice dick, unfortunate eyes.

Jonathan Agassi. "Hey!  I'm over here! Hey!  Oh."

Jimmy Durano.  I am so ashamed of even commenting on these boys' slight disability when they are blessed with so many other sterling qualities.

Get to Work, Slacker

Now I understand why MJ includes all those bitchy, nagging, hectoring posts leading up to her contests, it's because you lazy slags will not follow a few simple instructions.  To wit: find some photo  of your drag self and send it, along with your drag name and your big number, to mr pee nee at yahoo.com  (take the spaces out, silly.) by July 24 in order to participate in our anniversary virtual drag show.

Is that asking too much bitches?  So far, only Jason and anonymous,too have come across and mummy is starting to feel a teensy bit annoyed, so get on it.  Do not think that I will fail to replace you with some  deluded queen with plump tits mincing about dressed like a bird to the swelling strains of Tosca because I will if I have to.  Although she does seem like she could be some serious high maintenance.

Done

I just love crossing things off my little OCD To Do list.

1) Get my creaky old Mac upgraded and all the bugs lurking around in its depths expunged so that watching porn wouldn't be so annoyingly slow.  I had planned to haul the old dear all the way down to a very inconvenient part of downtown where the very idea of parking is to be laughed at when I remembered Secret Agent Fred's boyfriend Duane works for Apple.   He knows all the kinds of tech stuff required and which is at the fingers of an ordinary 6 year old, but beyond mrpeenee.

We had a very amusing afternoon as he beat the computer into submission and then we went over to Fred's and rearranged his kitchen because we're all gay and stuff.  And now that my computer is blazing along, I realize how sluggish it's been and how resigned I had gotten to it.  No more, mutha.

2) Go see Dark Shadows.  Also with Secret Agent Fred.  I loved it, it looks great, so very Tim Burton-ish with lots of visual gags.  Michelle Pfeiffer is very tough bitch, which I love, especially when she parks herself at the top of some stairs with a shotgun anchored on her hip, blazing away.  Johnny Depp, of course, is wonderful.  I had worried after seeing the trailer that he would just be some halfassed cross between Captain Jack Black and the Michael Jackson imitation from Willy Wonka, but nope.  Interesting and funny and sexy, even under a couple of pounds of kabuki/dracula makeup.

3) Find a Christmas card, just to get ready.

Check, Check and Check.

We Now Resume mrpeenee

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Q, G. What's the Real Difference?

I think it must be the collision between my extreme myopia and my world-view that causes me to so frequently look at a website new to me and see the well-known acronym “FAQS” as “FAGS.” Is it a special button for me and my tribe, or is it a link to naughty photos of houseboys cavorting together?

Nah.

Imagine my disappointment.

FAQS

FAGS

Compare and contrast.

Mesmerizing

You know what the greatest line in songwriting is? It's the lyric in "Lust for Life" where Iggy Pop is singing about love and makes the transcendent metaphor that it is "...like hypnotizing chickens."

Research into this fascinating concept reveals there is, naturlement, a Wikipedia page on Chicken Hypnosis

Insights like this are a weighty burden. I’m just glad we’re able to share them here. Also, I’m glad to share this buttchop picture:

It's like hypnotizing ass chickens.

Party Outa Bounds

Darlings, sorry, don’t bother mummy right now, I’m getting ready for the big do over on Fabulon Sunday evening.  Didn’t you get the invitation?  DARLING.  I’m sure it was just an oversight, you know how ditzy Thombeau can be.  Poor old thing has probably been living on whippets all week getting ready for this.  Sweetie, yes, a virtual party.

 

I’ll be dialing in from the comfort of my luxurious boudoir.

I’ve asked houseboy Allegra Galliano to help with snacks.

 We’ll see you there.

Interweb Wonders

You know what we have here?

We have a Japanese Lady passionately entwined with a squid, that's what. Things that have no possible explanation fascinate me. Much in the same way as this cephalapod lovin bitch captures my wonder, so too do the many, many spam emails I get about porn involving busty young nubiles in the cow shed. I get no other porn spam and yet daily I average a dozen or more invitations to see some young Lady (frequently named Brittany) do the nasty with some farm animal. How did I wind up on this particular mailing list? Is it karma? Why don't I ever get invited to visit Muscular Young Brazilian Twin Body Builders Who Can Open a Beer Bottle Without Using Their Hands? Huh?

Oh, Just Do It. You Know You Want To.

I snagged this from Sicko Ricko's blog

GO TO THE FOLLOWING SITE:

http://www.tatuagemdaboa.com.br/

TYPE YOUR FIRST NAME ON THE 1st LINE

TYPE YOUR LAST NAME ON THE 2nd LINE

(Skip your e-mail address)

Click on VIZUALIAR and watch the video.

I've Got Mail

What impels people to forward the inanity of their email to their entire address list in general and me in particular? The nature of my job is such that my business email address is spread wider than Brittney Spears knees and consequently I'm on the receiving end of a non-stop idiocy barrage from an army of people I don't even know. Especially Rose.

I do not know Rose. Based on the drivel that comes through her inbox to me, I do not want to know Rose. And yet, not a day goes by that Rose does not feel compelled to share the wit and wisdom that has found her. Today was a blast that announced that the word "picnic" derives from the acts of lynching African-Americans. I had to read the idiotic explanation twice to believe I was understanding what it was claiming. For one thing "nic" was supposed to be the euphemism for a highly offensive term that the organizers of the picnic would use. The idea that a lynch mob would feel so queasy about offending the sensibilities of their victims that they would tiptoe around a racial slur is the least worrisome thing about this whole thing.

Anyway, Rose old girl, I'm a federal employee and I'm pretty sure sending me email that makes me grind my teeth and go a little crazier is a felony. And even if it isn't, it should be.