Friday, September 10, 2010

Sparkle Neely

Working our way through yet another sad little thrift store and disparaging their so-called goods, Diane and I ran across a rack of bridesmaid dresses. one of which defied our attempts to figure out which side was the front and which was the back. I mentioned once again to D that if I were a Lady, that is, a Person with a Vagina Lady, I would always dress in second hand bridesmaid dresses, and not ironically either. They fascinate me as a kind of art piece. When Diane explained one purchases these gems at shops, legitimate businesses, I was floored. I had always assumed one had to have some little elf run them up for you.


Aside from a wardrobe consisting solely of shiny magenta, coral, peach, fuscia and the occasional teal, I would also have boxes of glittery, glitzy bijoux.


My lips would always be lacquered a brilliant red.


I would totter round town in Barbie doll heels, the sluttier the better.


My hair would be a model of restrained good taste.
I am undecided on the subject of bags.

I would, in short, rig myself out just like a style-deprived drag queen. I see Ladies tarted up pretty much like this every day on my to work, so I would fit right in, and besides, if I had to put up with Lady plumbing and its inherent wacky hi jinx (did you know Midol is just Tylenol, and caffeine? Imagine my disappointment, I had assumed it was some magic, secret elixir. Thanks a fat lot Wikipedia) I would have to demand some polyester based glamour.

10 comments:

  1. This all makes perfect sense. Especially on your way out for more chicken. Or at the tubs!

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  2. Ah....a beautiful image

    Always a bridesmaid, so to speak.

    You know, the slutty kind who screws the groom before the wedding.

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  3. As this story unfolded I saw similarities of your choices to those of characters played by Shelly Winters. I think the style is known as floozie. I too tend toward floozie with dresses that have lots of notions, rick-rack and doo-dads tacked on.

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  4. I, personally, am wild for doo-dads.

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  5. i think i read something like this in that "when i get older, i'm gonna wear purple" book. it happens when you OD on midol.

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  6. Darling. How have I never before seen that picture of you in the silver wig???/

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  7. There is no end to my fascinating, misspent middle age.

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  8. The pink metallic slides are to fuckin' die for!

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  9. I would love to see Mr Peenee wearing a frilly pink dress as favoured by The Queen Mother, Barbara Cartland and Danny La Rue.

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