Friday, September 10, 2010

Sparkle Neely

Working our way through yet another sad little thrift store and disparaging their so-called goods, Diane and I ran across a rack of bridesmaid dresses. one of which defied our attempts to figure out which side was the front and which was the back. I mentioned once again to D that if I were a Lady, that is, a Person with a Vagina Lady, I would always dress in second hand bridesmaid dresses, and not ironically either. They fascinate me as a kind of art piece. When Diane explained one purchases these gems at shops, legitimate businesses, I was floored. I had always assumed one had to have some little elf run them up for you.

Aside from a wardrobe consisting solely of shiny magenta, coral, peach, fuscia and the occasional teal, I would also have boxes of glittery, glitzy bijoux.

My lips would always be lacquered a brilliant red.

I would totter round town in Barbie doll heels, the sluttier the better.

My hair would be a model of restrained good taste.
I am undecided on the subject of bags.

I would, in short, rig myself out just like a style-deprived drag queen. I see Ladies tarted up pretty much like this every day on my to work, so I would fit right in, and besides, if I had to put up with Lady plumbing and its inherent wacky hi jinx (did you know Midol is just Tylenol, and caffeine? Imagine my disappointment, I had assumed it was some magic, secret elixir. Thanks a fat lot Wikipedia) I would have to demand some polyester based glamour.


  1. This all makes perfect sense. Especially on your way out for more chicken. Or at the tubs!

  2. Ah....a beautiful image

    Always a bridesmaid, so to speak.

    You know, the slutty kind who screws the groom before the wedding.

  3. As this story unfolded I saw similarities of your choices to those of characters played by Shelly Winters. I think the style is known as floozie. I too tend toward floozie with dresses that have lots of notions, rick-rack and doo-dads tacked on.

  4. I, personally, am wild for doo-dads.

  5. i think i read something like this in that "when i get older, i'm gonna wear purple" book. it happens when you OD on midol.

  6. Darling. How have I never before seen that picture of you in the silver wig???/

  7. There is no end to my fascinating, misspent middle age.

  8. The pink metallic slides are to fuckin' die for!

  9. I would love to see Mr Peenee wearing a frilly pink dress as favoured by The Queen Mother, Barbara Cartland and Danny La Rue.


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