Sunday, July 29, 2012

Well, That's Five Years We'll Never Get Back

I know I was supposed to be putting up a post all about my blog birthday (Happy Five to me, bitches!) but I’ve been distracted by eating nectarines, cause it’s July and you need to roll with them while you got ‘em, am I right?  But finally the one I had this afternoon delivered the tender and tart deliciousness of a door knob, so I realized it’s time to move on.

So with that, let’s raise the curtain on

mrpeenee’s Fifth Anniversary Dragapalooza: Cinco or Swim!

Star of stars, mrpeenee will be hosting as that darling of the oppressed 99.9%, Pepper Spray.  I will, of course, be performing my signature number Police on My Back.  I know I probably shouldn’t be setting the bar so high at my own party, but with talent like mine, what can I do?

Here’s a publicity still from latest picture, Gidget Occupies Malibu.  Maybe hasn’t opened in  whatever unimportant cow town you’re reading this in, but when you get the chance to buy it (not rent or pirate, you cheap bitch) I’m sure you’ll be dazzled by my work.

Our cast this evening is all the vixens and viragos of mrpeenee’s frequent commentors and what a mixed bag (so to speak) those lazy cows are:

Clutter from the Gutter’s own Mitzi offers up (“with a shy giggle that sounds like a cascade of silver bells my entry for your jubilee, and long may you reign!”)
 Petula Plenty was  just a common prostitute in Piccadilly, London, before making it big as a Shirley Bassey impersonator. The streets weren’t paying enough, and the draft up her skirt brought her out in a terrible rash, and the anitbiotics weren’t working, so in 1995 she got up on the stage at The Vauxhall Tavern in London, dressed as a magician’s moll and sang her little heart out. The audience loved her. 
The rest, as they say, is history. Her incredible debut album ‘Tits On Fire’  won her four Brits and countless other awards, she even knocked Madonna off the number 1 spot in several countries world wide.
Songs on the album include: Simply The Breast -  by Tina Turner;  Knocker Three Times - by Dawn;  Mammary Mia - By Abba;  Radio Bra Bra - by Queen;  Always On My Tits - by Elvis plus many many more.
Petula Plenty facts: Chris Rea couldn’t afford the real Shirley Bassey for his 1996 film soundtrack La Passione so he used Petula Plenty instead.
Affectionately known as  ‘Pet’ gay men worship her, believing her to have supernatural powers.

Mitzi gets her own dressing room, because she is a star and not because everyone else is afraid of what may be hiding in her bag.  Or not only.

Designing Wally reveals
My drag name: Kit Encaboodle...
My song for you:  Missing Persons- I Like boys:
xoxox, Gary
PSsst!  Boys like me, too....
What, you mean boys as opposed to possums?  Darling Wally can be so obscure sometimes, you know?

Blogging Sinsation Jason, from Night is Half Gone, wants us to know
 here’s my inner temptress...well, one of them: Miss Vaseline McCooter
I’m planning to bring a positive, affirming message to this contest, unlike these other trifling bitches. 
And of course, I’ll be singing Shirley Brown’s classic Woman to Woman 
Because cooterhood is powerful. And so is that mop Jason is working.

NormaDesmond arrives late, as is appropriate for a Big Star (also cause the bitch didn't send anything in, so I made this up for her.  As I told the old thing "NORMA FUCKING DESMOND needs to be in this show."  Anyone disagree?  Shut up and sit back down.)

Norma will be playing Gloria Swanson playing Norma playing a washed up silent star playing that paragon of glamour and crazy: Norma Desmond.  I think I got lost somewhere in there, but so did she and at least I'm not burying a monkey in the back yard.  Norma considered and discarded all the sad, sad songs from that big mess Sunset Boulevard, the Musical and instead will be selling her famous one-woman duet - Crazy by Patsy Cline, and Crazy by Gnarls Barkley, and Crazy by Seal after which mrpeenee will shoot her with a tranquilizer dart gun.  It's a big number.

Another late entry is our most beloved Muscato, rising from her hospital bed to assay her alter ego, legendary Finnish diva Mme. Watta-Setta Nakkers, with her internationally acclaimed rendition of the beloved "Flower Duet" from Lakmé, in which she plays the musical saw for the mezzo line. 
As an encore, she and her trusty metal pal tackle "Nowadays" from Chicago (her tap break will take your breath away. Literally). 

So good of dear Muscaato to bring a bit of elegance to this tawdry evening.  She has such tone, don't you think?

Mistress Borghese flies in with
Now honey, rest assure, us bitches will come through, it is just tough to get the damn lead out!!!! Now for my photo selection, I'll use my own drag name the Mistress Borghese, and my own drag persona. As I tend to be quite the temptress, in one of my favorite impresontations of the fabulous Carmen Miranda. For my number I’ll do a lively rendition of the stunning and lavish performance to  CHICA CHICA BOOM CHIC!  I just hope I can keep all my orbs from falling out this time! 
I’m sure all of us are relieved to read that the dear Mistress is the sumptuous fruit bowl and not the undead sea hag lurking in the corner.  One just never knows. 

Jon (aka Dolores Delargo Towers) provides us with an interpretive art piece of his dragness

for a better look:
He continues: A “drag name” I came up with many moons ago - I would have to be Pyroclastic Flo!
And the song? Samy K feat. Diva Avari - Fucking Bitch, of course
 (ed. note: Darlings, you need to go see this.  it's summin.)
I look forward to the show!!

How sweet, dear.  I do, too, if I can ever get through this goddam cut and paste marathon.

The always elusive  (I just typed that as “ewlisive,” but that was a mistake.  Honest) Anonymous,too let’s us know 

Yup, my inner drag queen goes beyond fierce, right through ferocious, to downright dangerous.  I think the drag name would have to be Annie Muss.  The song?  The Rolling Stones’ “Bitch”, or maybe Sir Elton’s “The Bitch is Back.”
Did you think to have Trekkiedrag on the stage?  Pretty certainly not, but that’s the beauty of Cinco or Swim: something for everyone.  And somethings for no one.

Ask the Cool Cookie, god love her, interrupts a transcontinental move to send us this
Here’s how I see myself on stage :  Miss Gypsy Rose Lee, being coy.
 And I would be fucking FABULOUS, and family friendly.
Yes dear, whatever you say.  In a scary sort of way.

Our Bold Soul Sister, Ms FirstNations, assures us she will take the stage as  “Yomama BinLoggin” and will wow whatever audience still remains with Aretha Franklin’s Respect

Do you ever find Ms FirstNations the teensiest. tiniest bit scary?  Like maybe you'd go out for a quick drink with her and wake up in some trailer park in another state in a tub of ice?  Yeah, me too.  And I say that in the most loving manner possible.  Don't hurt me.

Our most beloved Thombeau of Planet Fabulon, the Redundant Variety Hour and points west will be pitching cleanup and sassily claims:
“Here I am as Trampe L’Oeil, international temptress. No lip-sync for moi! Basically all I do is the can-can until I become dizzy and collapse into a sweaty, drunken heap, babbling incoherently. Works every time! Of course, I rarely do drag anymore, but can often be found flouncing around the rest home, as is my way...”


Anyone surprised should raise their hand now.  No one?  No, I thought not.

And with that we’ll be ringing down the curtains, wild acclaim showering down on us all as we scrabble madly for whatever stray pharmas we can dig out of Thombeau’s bag.  Cause it’s not just mrpeenee’s drag show.  It’s my goddam party.


  1. oops, guess i missed the sign-up sheet.

    five years? feels like 5000. why, because we love you darling!

    1. I'ma make one up for you and add you in right now. Why? Because NORMA FUCKING DESMOND needs to be in this show. Bitches.

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

    3. i've been too preoccupied with family/death/insanity. peenee, you make a girl feel like she's won, even when she's not a contestant. now THAT'S an emcee.

    4. You DO realize that Norma is "Miss Cocks in Frocks" don't you?

  2. hilarious! and congrats!

  3. A drag show featuring so many bitches seems likely to take another five fucking years! Congratulations on assembling such a spectacular. Danny Boyle would be proud. Jx

    1. Danny Boyle is in the CHORUS, that's how glam we are. And a real piece of work she is, too, always gassing on about what a big star she used to be. "Darling," I explain patiently, "you're dead." Doesn't matter to the puffed up old hag. Vanity.

    2. Would it spoil my metropolitan chicness if I wore one of those peasant dresses as seen during the Olympic opening ceremony?

  4. With this crowd, I'm glad I brought my own beer....

    Happy Fifth!!

    1. I'm just glad you made it. Can I have a beer? My possum's thirsty.

  5. Oh, darling, I'm so sorry that unfortunate personal circumstances prevented the appearance of my alter ego, legendary Finnish diva Mme. Watta-Setta Nakkers, with her internationally acclaimed rendition of the beloved "Flower Duet" from Lakmé, in which she plays the musical saw for the mezzo line.

    As an encore, she and her trusty metal pal tackle "Nowadays" from Chicago (her tap break will take your breath away. Literally).

    Catch a glimpse of the great lady here:

    1. I dropped you in the line as a last minute replacement for Dany Boyle. She isn't half pissed. I do hope the whole excitement hasn't been too much for Delicate Condition.

  6. I'm buying my tickets online as we speak. Will there be opium at the concession stand?

    1. Laudunum and lager, I expect... Jx

    2. Jon's running the concession stand, hr should know.

    3. Oh, marvellous...

      Sweeties! - the gin slings are on Peenee! Jx

  7. I loved Gidget Occupies Malibu! Especially the Beach Blanket Bingo set piece...which turned out to be actual Bingo.

    And I have to tell you, Miss Desmond and Miss Annie Muss were not feeling the love backstage that I was trying to share.
    It's all about Sisterhood, isn't it?
    I mean really.
    So I had to cut 'em.

    1. I gocher back gurrrrrrl. What's a drag extravaganza without a few flesh wounds?

    2. Oh, look. There's a grease stain on the floor where Jason was. Who'd have thought Vaseline was flammable when hit by a disruptor beam???

  8. Happy 5th Anniversary Mrpeenee. You've done us proud! Sadly Ms Plenty cannot be here for comment as she's an aficionado of gin in a staggering around the street way.

  9. While cleaning out the basement we found that pink dress, the wig and the shoes. I could never fit in them again, so I gave them to young man down the street who just came out of the closet and told him to have a ball.

  10. Well Happy 5th tootes!!!! After this showing are you sure we won't run out of libations? Im sure we all are thirsty as hell, except Wally, who brought her own. Now, from the cut and pastin, Im sure you need a rest dear.

  11. Sorry about Jason. I blame PMS. I've had it since puberty.

    1. P.M.S.? I know that bitch. She does that routine with Onda Rag, right? All I know is we girls gotta stick together.

  12. The lovely Tara Bilodor would have been there with bells on, but she broke a heel. No one is above suspicion - except our beloved 5th anniversary hostess. Is she a dream or what?

  13. Sorry Trans-Ginger couldn't make it. She had cramps.

    Happy 5th Anniversary!

  14. We missed both of you, but I covered for you by telling everyone you were sharing a special two-for-one sex reassignment coupon.

  15. As always, I am fashionably late and a bit worse for wear, but got to the party just in time to hear a rousing rendition of "Look for the Union Label". Some things never change.

    Happy Anniversary, old bean!

  16. fantastic all y'all

  17. Happy fifth, hon.

    It's a pleasure hanging out with you sluts.


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