Saturday, August 2, 2008

Design Starred

While R Man is fascinated with such gritty TV fare as Oz and Dexter, I prefer the decorating shows on HGTV. As I've pointed out before, they always have a happy ending and the crappy homes they reveal people huddled in allow me to feel terribly superior.

Jason over at night is half gone encourages me to reveal that my fave is Design Star, a game show masquerading as the search for the host of a new HGTV show. While the promos for the show emphasize the design talent of the competitors, the stunts that lead to the weekly eliminations would stump the ghosts of Billy Baldwin and Dorothy Chandler. Combined. The challenges always involve bizarrely short time limits and restrictions on supplies that boggle the mind. One memorable one required everyone to whip up a room from stuff they found in a pet shop or auto supply house.

Instead of design, what the show really emphasizes is how well the contestants perform on camera as a host. That, after all, is the true point; you can see HGTV realizes as long as the winner can handle pointing at before and after shots, the producer and other off-camera talent can deal with the actual decorating.

This is the third season winding down (tomorrow night is the finale. Can you hardly wait?) I've noticed each year the cast tends to be pretty consistent. There's always some wacky, artsy type who gets tossed early; some hateful bitch who sticks it out almost to the end cause she's all the drama and the audience hates her; some earnest sweet straight girl who cries and talks about the family she misses so much so the wifeys at home can have someone to identify with; a bitchy nellie queen for comic relief; and a prime piece of hunky eye candy for visuals.

Two years ago the eye candy won, yay, while generating a storm of pissy message board comments from the heartland complaining that he was a) too wiling to take his shirt off (completely insane considering this boy's luscious tits and shoulders and b) that he's "too gay." Who did these people think most of HGTV's audience is? Nuns with a freak on for redecorating?
David Bromstad, too gay? Too bad.

Even better, shortly after this season's humpiness got the boot, it came out that he had performed gay porn a few years ago. And not just any porn, but some substantial, whack-a-mole S&M and bondage cinema verite. Thrilling. If only I could get X-Tube to work I’d be able to report more authoritively on its quality.
Mikey V, too bad? Gay too.

The producers should be making novenas of gratitude for this little peccadillo since otherwise the show this year has mostly been notable for how astonishingly dull the decorating has been. Tidy is about the best you can say for these efforts. One particularly galling show had them doing competing suites in the Grand Ole Opry Hotel in "shabby chic." God knows they nailed the shabby part. I hate shabby chic, it's such a cliche and all that ratty, peeling paint just makes me wonder how anyone can dust it.

The only other style demonstrated has been some vaguely contemporary, sort of minimal ho-humnism. Sleek, square, low slung in chocolate browns and reds with some Asian piece thrown in. Wow. Sure didn't see that coming. Nosiree. The cover of every Metropolitan Home since the first George Bush presidency, who'd a thunk it?

So of course, after nothing but snark about the show, you can count on finding me glued to it Sunday night, rooting for the muscley bald guy. I am so there.


  1. I actually voted for David back then, mainly because I thought he was sweet. Oh, and of course, he's hot too.
    Alas, he's not that good of a host, and his show is zzzzzzzzz.

    I'm not sure I'm even going to vote...maybe I won't even bother to watch.
    Ok, who am I kidding. I'm sure I'll watch....eventually, because it'll happen to be on.

    None of the contestants made much of an impression on me, but then they rarely do.

    Thank god the "hunky" ones are back to being gay after last year.

  2. I thought it was very efficient of the producers last season to combine The Obnoxious One with The Hunky One (why do they even bother listing their names in the credits?) and come up with that straight skateboarding idiot. It was mostly him that caused me to stop watching midway through the season.

  3. Oh, I know what you mean. And really, wasn't he a bit long in the tooth to be spouting out
    "sk8ter talk"?
    but the cast of almost all "reality" tv is
    usually something like this:

    "Hunky" guy
    Downhome Girl next door
    Beauty queen
    Straight guy
    Spunky gal

  4. I know I know! It’s such bad TV but like any good train wreck I tune in also. I think I’ll audition for next season but haven’t figured out my niche offering. I think I’ll go for the "Hunky" guy, Bitch, Downhome Girl next door, Beauty queen, Straight guy, Queen, Spunky gal, kind of vibe with a lackluster tele-presence. I’m sure to be the first one voted off the island. Unless I can sleep with Vern, Cynthia, or Clive first.

  5. I'd totally sleep with Cynthia.

  6. I think you have to sleep with all three, simultaneously. That's the real challenge.

  7. Yes, Vern and Cynthia are manageable, but Clive can get unwieldy.

    No Mikey V last night! As for his video past, it recalls rhythmic gymnastics more than conventional porn, I think, but is not less entertaining for it. His consistently earnest expression made me laugh. And the writhing.

  8. I would pay a good sum to view David Bromstad power top Vern Yip into the little submissive bitch begging for release while sniffing a Benjamin Moore "Linen White"-dipped 2(X)ist thong. Just saying.

  9. Boy is Miss J glad she didn't get caught up in this show...The combo of Great/Awful is an irresistable temptation. Throw in some gays and she'd be addicted in no time. With Mr. J mocking her the entire time she watches. As if football is any better a way tp waste one's time.


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