Sunday, May 31, 2009

Auto Massage: It's a New World

This is so not me

I have fairly bad scoliosis.  That is not a form of bad breath; it’s when your backbone is curved rather than the normal straight.  As an over-achiever, my backbone not only swerves in an S shape, it also spirals slightly.  That means two things: 1) the figure from classic literature I most closely resemble is not Heathcliff, but Quasimodo and 2) my neck and shoulder often hurt.  It’s why trips to the Kabuki spa for massages and my genius chiropractor Greg Gorman show up in this blog so much.


It’s also why our trips to Walgreens lately have included me being totally enthralled by a Shiatsu Massage Cushion they’ve been demonstrating.  I was initially skeptical, but once I shoved the old lady who was hogging it out of the way and tired it for myself, I was sold.

 It’s a cushion that sits in an office chair and has a pair of revolving roller balls that move up and down pummeling your back muscles into beautiful submission.  I announced several times to R Man “I’m going to buy this,” which meant he should buy it for me, but since he never fell for it, I finally sprang for it myself and got one yesterday.

I’m using it right now as I type this; truly, it has improved my life.  For the last half hour, I’ve been making moaning noises one normally doesn’t hear outside the backrooms of certain bars that don’t invite ladies.

The only drawback is that I’m so tall, the area the cushion considers my whole back misses by a couple of inches on each end, so I have to readjust myself occasionally to allow it to hit those spots it would otherwise miss.  It’s small price to pay for robotic ecstasy.  I may be in love.

I have none of these muscles.


  1. We had one for years. Every time people would come over to my house, they would head straight for 'their friend'. Then it broke. meh.

  2. Be careful now. You all live on a fault line out there, you know.

  3. What a marvelous-sounding contraption! Usually, I have to convince bed partners to give me a massage. In the long run, this would probably be less expensive, and certainly more reliable.

  4. This sounds like a gadget MIss J desperately needs.

    BTW, try Miss J's garden vid again... she adjusted it so others can allegedly see it now.

  5. OMG, my friends Kris & Rod have one of these and it's like "take a ticket and get in line" for that thing. Nothing gets a party going like a moaning house guest. IMHO.

  6. I’m with TJB!

    So many tricks lately that are massage therapists in need of a victim. Not always precise but never in need of a professional masseuse afterward. I’m a cheap whore. Which reminds me that my next batch of twins are to be named Shiatsu and Shitake.

    Post Script: I have none of those muscles either.

  7. I think I saw one of those contraptions at IML. But, like, one was on it not near it.

    PS: that muscle grouping pic just gave me a major muscle sproing.

  8. I’ve been making moaning noises one normally doesn’t hear outside the backrooms of certain bars that don’t invite ladies.

    I am a lady and I have been in those backrooms.

    Mind you I wasn’t invited but I have been in them nonetheless.

    And having seen Mean Dirty Pirate in one of them, I can confirm that he is indeed, in his words, "a cheap whore".

  9. Take good car of your self from now on in, I am sure you will be fine.

    Foot massager


In Which We're Calling It In

In the middle of an unnecessarily annoying and complicated day last week, my phone decided to commit suicide. I was Ubering along playing Ya...