Thursday, January 7, 2010

Stop the Kidman Madness

Have I been brooding, thinking dark thoughts, fretting? Of course I have, ever since Jason, commenting on my paean to Dusty Springfield, mentioned the possibility of Nicole Kidman starring in a film about Miss Springfield.

Firstly, the very idea of moving Dusty Springfield to the screen makes me uneasy. Everything I've ever read about her emphasizes what a troubled, fragile, contradictory woman she was and Hollywood tends not to be able to do any of those things well. Asteroids blasting the Brooklyn Bridge to smithereens, yes; sexually ambiguous cutters with fabulous voices, not so much. I remember the New Yorker's review of the recent Edith Piaf picture describing it as "the usual gin-and-regrets," sort of movie. I feel sure the best we could hope for here would be "gin-and-regrets-and-mascara." Lots of mascara.

Plus I don't really like Nicole Kidman. I know, gasp. The only thing of hers I was amused by was a Chanel commercial that costarred Rodrigo Santorro (mmmmmmm) who was also Xerxes in The 300. Who cared what Kidman was getting up to on the right side of the screen when everyone was watching him on the left to see if would pull his panties off.

Face it, she won an Oscar for wearing a prosthetic nose in The Hours. Julianne Moore was tremendously better. Where is the justice? And am I the only one who thinks that scene of Moore in the room filling with water looks like something out of The Shining? I have to assume Nicole Kidman lip synching You Don't Have to Say You Love Me would simply be too painful to watch without drugs, or maybe even with them.

So here's my proposition for her: why not remake Green Acres instead? I'm sure the role Lisa Douglas is possibly within her range, even if she could never rise to Eva Gabor's star magnitude.
Don't fuck with me, bitches.

Speaking of The 300, Gerard Butler could be Oliver Douglas, especially those famous scenes I've just made up of a nude Oliver coming down a spiral staircase, over and over again. Tell me you wouldn't wear out the pause button on your remote on that.

And the sexually ambiguous carpenter Ralph?
Who better than the ex-Mr. Kidman, Little Tommy Cruise.

Mariah Carey could be Arnold the Pig.
Photo of Miss Carey special thanks to Notorious J*O*E
Three percent of the international gross and the idea is all yours. Let's do this.


  1. yes to it all! Yes yes yes!

    But I still not convinced that "Lisa Douglas is possibly within her range" however.

    Maybe she could play Eb Dawson maybe. She's got the figure for it.

  2. leave my husband gerry butler out of this.

    and its always a good time to resuscitate that photo of moo moo...well done

  3. Pitch it. I think your idea smells like OSCAR all over...

    I'm no fan of Kidman either. Though an earlier film, something to do with a career-obsessed newswoman involved in sexual escapades seemed notable as I think about it.

    WTF with that Mariah pic?!

  4. I'm not sure Mariah could be trained to change the channels on the TV.

  5. And another thing, despite her face-work obsession, isn't Nicole Kidman just a bit long in the tooth to be playing Dusty??? Especially given that Miss Springfield had her first hits in her mid 20s.

    Surely ShinyFace Kidman doesn't really think she can pull that off?

  6. I just ate! Gahhh.....I could have done without Mariah.

  7. Unfortunately, Gerard Butler doesn't look like that anymore.

  8. M.G. is right about To Die For; I'll defend it and her performance. But her performance in anything else. . . pfffft.

  9. Don't be ashamed, most of us here in Australia disowned Nicole 'praying mantis' Kidman a long time ago.

  10. Good casting except Mariah Carey as Arnold the Pig. He went to college, remember.


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