Sunday, September 23, 2007

A Bed of One's Own

Two years ago, while I was wandering around the semi-fabulous design district of Los Angeles I got sucked into a mattress store that raised the earnest pretentiousness of Scandinavian design to breathtaking heights. The product was not a bed, it was a"sleep system" with a mattress that cured all ills and increased sexual stamina; the slats that held it were made from special birch wood, possibly hand polished by blind nuns who had taken vows of furniture crafting. I seem to remember the blessing of Danish gnomes was implied.

Of course, I bought it. And you know what? The mattress and the slats turned out to actually be great, just the right combination of firmness and support, like an ideal boyfriend. The bed frame they fit in, not so much. In fact it was some crappy step down from Ikea. I could have down better with tinkertoys and spit.

Over the restless year I sort of slept in it, the legs kept breaking off, always at 3:00 AM, hurling me to the floor from a sound sleep and forcing me to fix the fucker before I could gingerly get back in bed and lie there cursing the manufacturer, AXEL BLOOM, and his doubtless miniature gonads.

I finally just removed the legs and put the slat form and mattress on the floor, where I've slept for the last year. It solved the falling to the ground problem and made my room look bigger, but aside from that, it sucked.

So as part of Operation New Bedroom for Mrpeenee, I wanted a new frame to hold the lovely, dense, firm, Goldilocks-just-right mattress. I should explain, it's an extra long twin. I'm too tall for regular beds and I don't like big expanses of queenbed real estate stretching around me, so xlongtwin it is.

Since it's built very much like a futon, I hit the local futon stores, naively thinking they could come across with the goods. It turns out futon stores are universally suspicious of anyone outside the full/queen/king spectrum. Salesmen who came up to the middle of my chest would demand to know why I wanted an extra long twin bed. What was wrong with me? Some places simply claimed no such thing existed and then refused to make eye contact with me.

Finally, Murasaki Furniture on Pine Street (yay for Murasaki, my heroes) said yeah sure no problem. You want a black extra long twin? We'll deliver it Saturday, sign here.

I slept on it last night. I love it, it fits me and my mattress, it's sturdy and blessedly does not fall apart. What more can you ask from your bed? Well, I know, Brazilian body builders aside, what more can you ask?


  1. A "sleep system"? Oh, dear. I think it was Hair Club for Men that used to advertise that they were selling "not a wig or a toupee but an actual hair system".

  2. What you need is a Brazilian bodybuilder system.

    That'll be the only way to get a guaranteed good night's sleep.

  3. junk thief has brought up The Company Whose Name Must Not Be Mentioned. "We'll just rip these plugs out of the back and stick em in the front. Brilliant"

    And Jason knows me so well.


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